Magden

He's gone. He left me and I couldn't do a single thing about it. I tried so hard to summon the magic. I tried! But I was useless in the only real moment I've ever been needed.
 
I didn't even get to tell him how I've forgiven him, how I don't hate him, not at all. How I love him and I wish I could tell him how sorry I am for what I said. For everything I did but I couldn't. For everything I should have done but wasn't able to. He was there! He was so close, right beside me. I should grabbed him and ran. I should told him to stop being such a selfish, silly, brave fool. I shouldn't have charged the Others. It's my fault he's dead, isn't it? If I- I let him die, I was the idiot who thought I could strike down the Others with a sweep of my sword. My father's blade, shattered. I've failed both of them today.
 
But I would see a thousand of my father's swords shattered if I could only have another minute with Magden. Just one more, so I could tell him how sorry I am, I could tell him I still don't understand what it is to be a King. I never knew. I just want to tell him goodbye. I just want to know what his last words were. I missed them, Mithani help me, I missed them. Magden's last words and I, I couldn't stop bargaining, trying to bring him back. I've lost everything. And his eyes... they broke me. He used every last piece of magic to save us. I broke him, drained him. Killed him. It's my fault.
 
Please, just come back to me. A need something, a body, anything. I don't even have anything to bury, to visit. He's gone. It hurts so much. Trapped in a swamp, Magden dead. Oh, Ram, his tower will be gone too surely. He's dead. I can't even face the ruins of it. I can't bring myself to face his book in my backpack. His voice. So close, but gone. Just a void in the fabric of the world. A sharp, dark, jagged reminder that he wrote that, but he's dead. He won't write anything anymore.
 
I have to try and be strong. It all seems so petty now. Gods, dark Kings, traitors, adventure. The pathetic dream of a cub who had no idea what he had to lose. The sharp impact of reality rushing up to crush my flailing body. I was so wrong, so needy... my lust for adventure, for purpose left Magden on the... I can't even say it.
 
Why couldn't I do anything?! I'm the fucking ancestor of Leondric, some warrior of the gods. Why couldn't I do anything?! Why was I so useless?! What's the point of me if I can't even save a single life! Why pretend I can stop a King who is so cruel, so powerful when I can't save even a single- I can't do this without him. I can't, I... he wasn't with us but he was there. I knew he was- I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this.
 
I have to. But I have to. For Magden. I don't know if he believed in me, I never heard what he was trying to say. I wish I hadn't- I wish I could have at least cradled his head, listened to his final words. I never did, I rubbed my hands together, I spoke over him. I'll never forgive myself, he was dying, so small and broken and I spoke over him. I made him struggle to be heard. I'm a monster. I missed them, I've lost the last part of him and I don't even have anything to cherish.
 
He wanted me to be King, so I'll do it for him. But I won't take joy in it. I'll get this fucking sword, and I'll rally the lizards. I'll do it for him. And I'll kill this so-called Emperor. And I'll even rule, because I have to. But by Mithani, I just want to see Magden again. I just want to be done.