A Means of Inspiration

Dearest Jen,
 
I had another dream last night. Something dark. Something... final.
 
Hopefully my last messages were also received by yourself. I've charted a fair part of our travels but I hope you can also see how much I've changed. Or not, rather... perhaps I have just found myself. At some point I lost my way, and I need to reconcile with the fact that that arrogance, and superiority... that lives with me. I need to be careful not to fall back into its trap.
 
Finding my mother's letter has cemented what I already knew. I have the weight of the whole world upon my shoulders. Takuma and Caerbhall are supportive and I'm seeing changes in both of them. I don't imagine Takuma would ever have risked his life for others in the way he did when the Bobcat attacked the rabbit village, and Caer held himself well. Without his help, and poor Tawaka's, I doubt I could have done what I did.
 
I have so much to say, beyond what I've already told you, but I feel that would turn this letter into a tome. I still feel the hurt of Magden's betrayal everyday, I stil rankle at what he was trying to turn me into to. But at the same time I can't stop myself from trying to live up to him. It's strange but I need to learn Mysticism, I need to become a master. My feat at the town, teleporting the entire populace, are (beyond trying to keep the people alive!) attempts by myself to prove myself to Magden. It's the one school of magic I can't have Takuma surpass me in. Because then I feel I would have let Magden down. Why should I care right? Magden tricked me. I truly don't know but I suppose he's buried too deep within me. I can't just shake it off.
 
And I need to get stronger. The Bobcat toyed with me; only Ardon prevented me being cut in two. I know the artefacts are integral for beating the Others but still, I don't want to be reliant purely on the damn things. Caer is still thrown for a loop by Tawaka's death... I can't blame him, but it does mean I've spent a long time attacking trees in the hope that my ability with the blade will improve. I feel I've gotten better, but perhaps that is just tree fever. Once Caer is ready, I'll ask to train with him again. We're all a little blue, to put it mildly. Takuma spends all day and night buried in that magic book, Caer just rides and stares and I feel as if I'm the blind leading the blind. Everyone is beginning to turn to me, a legend about me is spreading, but I don't know what I'm doing! Everyone expects great things from me; my parents in Rabbittown, Lela, my biological mother, and Takuma and Caer. I've started to see the reality in things you know? Before I thought I was invincible but I've been reading the Art of War by Sun Bird and something is starting to become clear... every success is just another step towards failure. I have to remember that because I cannot succeed forever. I've never lost a duel, I defeated the Lord Marshall in single combat, won a tourney when I've never ridden a Bull, I won a battle almost single handedly, climbed a mountain with two animals on my back, I defeated a mythical beast, teleported an entire town and acted (I feel) politcally astutely in Stormont. I'm not listing these as arrogance, truly. I am aware of where that can lead me. But I list them only so I can make clear how far I've risen. And I know, I just know, I will fail when it matters most. And when it comes to that I hope Takuma and Caer are ready. Because I still feel that neither of them are prepared... Takuma is struggling with his morality, pretending to himself that he's still in this for himself, and Caer, bless him, is one more failure away from sinking back into the drink. Perhaps. fate has not been kind to either one of them, I am realising, and whilst I know I need to lead the way, I'm happy(?) to even, I can't be everything they need me to be. I can't be kind, compasionate, and noble, whilst being fierce, powerful, decisive. I can't ascend that throne and lead the realm. It appears all I can really do is pull off the impossible and whilst that sounds fantastic, to lead a nation, to sit the throne and unite the people... that feels a lot more mundane than one would assume. It requires statescraft, domestic charisma, support. I appear to have made many friends but foolish actions, such as trying to intimidate Arthur, show just how far I am from being able to rally 'my' more troublesome Lords.
 
I am sorry, Jen. I'm not looking for sympathy. I just feel like I need to let you know how I'm feeling inside because I can't share this with Takuma and Caer. Not really. They need their Golden Prince to rely on, their rock to cling onto. If I show cracks at this stage then I fear they will too. After all, they thought my feat at the town was impossible. Takuma argued with me to abandon the people. I'm not blaming him, that's Takuma, but they're not... I don't know. Not capable, or willing more accurately, to do what needs to be done.
 
I feel like my road does not have a happy ending here. Again, apologies, Jen, to be so morbid. I cannot see myself surviving this journey, precisely because of my successes. My dreams paint a dark future, Jen. One where I don't think I'm around anymore. I need to secure the future in a way my father didn't. That, I suppose, is in the form of my unborn half-sibling. At least we managed to get the Queen into hiding... she is not foolish. With Arthur as Regent, I imagine they took the warning to protect the trueborn heir seriously. But Caer and Takuma... it's clear to me that I must spend what time I have left, if indeed it is little, inspiring them. Filling them with purpose. Neither truly has a reason to be on this quest. Magden chose them, at random, as always. Takuma needs to find his sense of self again, he has to believe his father would want to do this, and Caer needs to be able to put aside my father and believe in a new King. I have a monumental task ahead of me, Jen. I have to fulfil both those needs so that when I die, they will take up the standard with zeal, crown and protect my half-sibling until they have the power to defeat the Other King. I think my role might only amount to facilitater of their destiny. I have seen things I cannot share with Takuma and Caer. Knives in the dark, from the Other King, from Arthur. Massey, in Kings of Our Time, argues we are born with a certain amount of light. Looking back at my deeds, heeding my dreams... both make clear that I am burning through mine at a spectacular rate.
 
Great deeds only matter if they have purpose.
 
With love,
 
Martin
 
(PS. My birthday is in a matter of days; we will be calling into Hemple soon. I shall teleport this latter to yourself, and I'm hoping to see your reply in Hemple!)