Saying Goodbye

And here it is, the end at last. Tomorrow, Caerbhall heads off towards the Dreamlands, of wherever else he may want to go. Takuma will embark on a life of adventure, exploring the mysteries of the world, and I shall remain shackled to a throne until the end of my days.
 
The end of the Company.
 
My thoughts are mixed on my position, if I am frank. I never wanted to take a throne; I wanted adventure but after having had one I'm not so sure I want that either. I think all I really want is for Magden to return, for the chance to speak to my mother and father. That, of course, is something not even a Kingship can buy.
 
Moreover, I didn't expect to make it this position. I saw death in my dreams and the snuffing fire of my own greatness. Now I survived I suppose I'm still waiting for someone to tell me otherwise. I accomplished everything so easily that I feel it was a dream and I still have the tasks ahead of me to undertake. Of course that cannot be true, otherwise I wouldn't hold this burning guilt in my chest. I wouldn't have to hide my nightmares from Jen.
 
I embarked on the quest to save others, to save everyone and I failed in doing so. Worse, I had to take the final life myself. I've heard the people are calling me Martin the Great but the only thing I seem to be 'Great' at is failing others. I fought with all the strength I possessed but I couldn't save members of the Kingshield, I couldn't save the young cubs and pups that had their lives ripped away in a instant when the Otherking ambushed us. With the bravado of a fraud, I led men towards their deaths. To save the Realm? Or to boost my ego, to make a father proud who I never even met? And then instead of turning the Otherking, and saving those he dominated, I killed him, likely snuffing out the light of a thousand worlds he was maintaining. Some may argue, as Takuma and Caerbhall have, that I needed to do so. He was too dangerous to be kept alive... that feels like an excuse to justify a wrong. Now I have to settle the fact I have blood on my hands, and I likely will indulge in more before my reign finally ends.
 
Sure, I put on a brave face for Takuma and Caerbhall. For Jen. For Lela. I may even appear carefree. But as my powers develop all it means is I can experience all the suffering around me. No matter how much help I can offer, I know I can't fix everything. As before, I feel as if I've been thrust into a position I am wholly unprepared for and uniquely tailored to fall short at. With my friends leaving that means I only have Jen to support me and I cannot place my full burden on her. It is already breaking myself; I can't ask another to take that. Tomorrow my hand will shake when Caerbhall leaves, and Takuma soon after. I shall then become a single light against the darkness of my own mind, but remain I must. Ever flickering.
 
I cannot let them know this however; it is not their weight to carry and so I shall smile, until I cannot any longer. I shall find solace in my family, in a daughter I can raise to be better than I ever was. Ardon may be broken, for now, so Lela shall be my shield against my tortured thoughts. Not as a crutch, I hope (what a wretched role for a child) but as a reminder I have accomplished something of pure good. And with my teaching and Jen's, I hope she can grow to be better, happier, and less confused than I ever was.
 
So I have my daughter, and Jen. I have my duty and I can do my utmost to build this realm for the many, not the few. I am happy, mostly. But I am also aware of the hypocritical nature of my role as sole ruler. I know the falsehoods behind my victory, the many bodies I have had to run up to hold my banner high. My sword may only be soaked in the blood of one, but somehow I still seem to have waded through a pool of it.
 
Martin the Great indeed.