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Pain
It has been some time since I have transcribed my thoughts upon the page, both out of a sense of urgency and caution. Yet I feel as though I require some outlet for these intense feelings, lest I become as unstable as some of my peers. That is not a fair thing for me to say. They are good people who happen to have deep trauma and unresolved issues. I suppose I am no different by those metrics. It just so happens that, lately, whenever I look at Kazimier I seem to be reminded of Mister Schwartz. I had thought that I had left that man behind many years ago, only to find on this journey that my memories of him still haunt me to this day. It is terribly difficult in those moments to remind myself that Kazimier's motivations and actions are not the same as his. It is terribly difficult to do anything when those memories surface. Delphine was in trouble, she needed our support, and I could not go to her! I should have been there for her, but I was too bogged down by things that happened to me fifteen years ago! This situation is unsustainable. I need to conquer those feelings.
The further this journey goes, the more broken I start to feel. For a lot of reasons. Including reasons I do not wish to write down at the moment for fear I might say too much. I have been a fool. I thought that I would escape by coming out here, yet I knew not that which I might be escaping. Yet instead of running away from something, I find myself running towards something. The closer I get, the more I wish that I could turn around and run back to where I was safe. However, I cannot in good conscience flee at this juncture. We all need to face these hardships head on. If there is something I have always been good at, it has been enduring. I still hope that one day we will be able to put these dark days behind us, and watch the sun rise again. When the light returns to my life, I fear I may cling to it and wish to never let it go, and I do not know if it will stay.
Enough of these thoughts for today! We must recover something important in this town, Whispermill. Something that the Shadowed Heart has. Once we have resolved this, I must head to the Whispering Sands. A powerful aperture lies waiting there. It interferes with my communications with others. I will not tolerate such an obstacle, and so I shall hope that my friends will help me to close it, or else find some orichalcum which resonates with it so that I can circumvent its oppressive energies. The sands have already tempted me with death once. I cannot pretend that this venture is not a suicide mission... and yet such is the state of my life that I cannot say that it is anything new. Indeed, I think that it may not be the last time I face such a challenge before the completion of my denial. Alas, I do not have the luxury of looking so far into the future.
Now, more than ever, I am starting to believe that these pages may be the last vestige of my time on this world, and that thought fills me with deep sadness. I am not truly upon these pages. I am a phantom hiding behind words, hoping that someone might take the time to see through them to the deepest portions of my soul. A spirit who longs to be vulnerable, and yet fears it terribly. Anyone who will read these words may have an idea of my lived life and some insights into my thoughts... yet I hide as much as I divulge out of fear. I have seen so much injustice and felt so much pain on this journey. I think that I approach my breaking point. When I step into that desert, into the darkness, I am not sure what path might appear before me, but I know that I must take it. If I emerge, I am not certain that I will do so as the same person. I fear the experience might break me. Still, I must go -- if not with my friends, then alone.
Anything worth something is worth everything, and that which is worth everything is something for which I would do anything.
I hope to see you on the other side, my old friend.
Robin Weiss
Continue reading...
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Magic Missive to Dorothea After Completing Light Tower
5th of Harvestus, 130 F.E.
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A Sudden Departure
28th of Fevrari, 128 F.E.
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A Long Road
29th of Fevrari, 128 F.E.
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Artemesia
1st of Vernari, 128 F.E.
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Letter from Artemesia to Bishop Dorothea Kramer
1st of Vernari, 128 F.E.
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Settling
2nd of Vernari, 128 F.E.
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Audacity
3rd of Vernari, 128 F.E.
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Good Riddance
8th of Vernari, 128 F.E.
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Why?
12th of Vernari, 128 F.E.
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Second Letter from Artemesia to Bishop Dorothea Kramer
12th of Vernari, 128 F.E.
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Burdened
17th of Vernari, 128 F.E.
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Toil
25th of Vernari, 128 F.E.
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Beast
29th of Vernari, 128 F.E.
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Brightness
1st of Apreri, 128 F.E.
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Company
2nd of Apreri, 128 F.E.
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Concerning Ulrich
4th of Apreri, 128 F.E.
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Third Letter from Artemesia to Bishop Dorothea Kramer
5th of Apreri, 128 F.E.
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Reconciliation
17th of Apreri, 128 F.E.
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Progress
20th of Apreri, 128 F.E.
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Eureka
30th of Apreri, 128 F.E.
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Goodbye
2nd of Mavius, 128 F.E.
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Racket
5th of Mavius, 128 F.E.
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Peschaniko
28th of Apreri, 130 F.E.
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Alone
29th of Apreri, 130 F.E.
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Addendum
29th of Apreri, 130 F.E.
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Arsday on the Ocean
5th of Mavius, 130 F.E.
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Storms at Sea
10th of Juneus, 130 F.E.
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Reflection
29th of Zhenus, 130 F.E.
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Letter to Bishop Dorothea Kramer
1st of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Alluminos
2nd of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Resolution
3rd of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Settling
4th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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The Sun Sets on Alluminos
5th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Travel
6th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Disquiet
7th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Bend River
8th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Investigation
9th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Remember
10th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Yonara
13th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Business in Yonara
14th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Reunion
15th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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7/16/130
16th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Leaving Yonara
17th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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First Magic Missive to Dorothea Kramer
17th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Stonescast
18th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Faircaster
19th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Second Magic Missive to Dorothea Kramer
22nd of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Third Magic Missive to Dorothea Kramer
24th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Pain
30th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Undying
1st of Harvestus, 130 F.E.
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A painting made while imprisoned by Sharo'ka
1st of Harvestus, 130 F.E.
5th of Harvestus, 130 F.E.
28th of Fevrari, 128 F.E.
29th of Fevrari, 128 F.E.
1st of Vernari, 128 F.E.
1st of Vernari, 128 F.E.
2nd of Vernari, 128 F.E.
3rd of Vernari, 128 F.E.
8th of Vernari, 128 F.E.
12th of Vernari, 128 F.E.
12th of Vernari, 128 F.E.
17th of Vernari, 128 F.E.
25th of Vernari, 128 F.E.
29th of Vernari, 128 F.E.
1st of Apreri, 128 F.E.
2nd of Apreri, 128 F.E.
4th of Apreri, 128 F.E.
5th of Apreri, 128 F.E.
17th of Apreri, 128 F.E.
20th of Apreri, 128 F.E.
30th of Apreri, 128 F.E.
2nd of Mavius, 128 F.E.
5th of Mavius, 128 F.E.
28th of Apreri, 130 F.E.
29th of Apreri, 130 F.E.
29th of Apreri, 130 F.E.
5th of Mavius, 130 F.E.
10th of Juneus, 130 F.E.
29th of Zhenus, 130 F.E.
1st of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
2nd of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
3rd of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
4th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
5th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
6th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
7th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
8th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
9th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
10th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
13th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
14th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
15th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
16th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
17th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
17th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
18th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
19th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
22nd of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
24th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
30th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
1st of Harvestus, 130 F.E.
1st of Harvestus, 130 F.E.
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