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Why?
I know not why I feel the need to write on this day. It is no more special than yesterday, nor will it have been more special than tomorrow. It is simply the anniversary of something I never wished for.
My assumptions have been proven correct. The others seem to think that I reported the harassment of those three to Bishop De Borel, and that it was this that resulted in their expulsion. That this is untrue does not matter. They have reached their conclusion, and it would be a waste of my energy to attempt to convince anyone otherwise. Besides, whether they detest me due to a perceived breach of propriety, for my work ethic, or for my looks, the result is always the same. In the end, I will always be alone.
I am reminded of my time with the Blacksmith. In that town, where the mutterings of my cursed existence were abound whenever I dared emerge from the smithy. My sin was always my birth. But I was also never good enough. Not strong enough, not dull enough, not sorry enough. The only thing I was ever praised for was my silence, and even then, it was only because it meant I would not disrupt the Blacksmith’s hangovers.
I will never forget the night I returned from the chapel, ready to show the Blacksmith that I could write. I thought that we could finally come to understand one another, now that we could communicate. My knowledge was seen as arrogance, and jealousy rose into anger. It was the first time he had struck me. It was more shocking than painful. For both of us. When I look at my peers, sometimes I see his face. Those three resented me so, projected onto me an arrogance I have never had. Was that, too, because I represented something which they never had? I do not know, and it does not matter.
I still have yet to speak more than a few passing phrases to Mister Lamperos. For two weeks now, he has not slept in his own bed. Is my existence so hateful to him that he cannot put himself to rest while I am near? Have the rumors of my treachery found roots within his heart? It would not explain his absence throughout last week, even if such a thing were true.
Who am I to turn to? If we are to work together, and if I am to attempt to form bonds on this retreat, how is it possible to do so whilst my peers find me insufferable? Perhaps it is my fault. Perhaps I have allowed myself to grow complacent. Perhaps my time with Bishop Kramer has made me forget the lessons I had to learn so long ago. Perhaps I really am worthless without her. I have only been away from Saptagiri for two weeks, and already I find that I am unable to properly function on my own. People have called me a prodigy, but it is only because I am not dependent upon others to further my own research. Maybe the truth is that I never was any more talented than anyone else. Maybe the truth is simply that I was born lucky.
Why am I even still here? To suffer? The reality is that, for the past eighteen years, I have only held delusions of companionship. I have always been alone, and I lack the faculties to resolve this issue. I will always be alone. It is fruitless to fight it. It is my natural state. I am better off this way. These sleepless nights allow me to conduct my work without interruption. This solitude forces me to rely upon the only one I ever could. So long as I complete the task, I will be fulfilled. I do not need anyone else.
Continue reading...
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Magic Missive to Dorothea After Completing Light Tower
5th of Harvestus, 130 F.E.
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A Sudden Departure
28th of Fevrari, 128 F.E.
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A Long Road
29th of Fevrari, 128 F.E.
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Artemesia
1st of Vernari, 128 F.E.
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Letter from Artemesia to Bishop Dorothea Kramer
1st of Vernari, 128 F.E.
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Settling
2nd of Vernari, 128 F.E.
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Audacity
3rd of Vernari, 128 F.E.
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Good Riddance
8th of Vernari, 128 F.E.
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Why?
12th of Vernari, 128 F.E.
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Second Letter from Artemesia to Bishop Dorothea Kramer
12th of Vernari, 128 F.E.
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Burdened
17th of Vernari, 128 F.E.
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Toil
25th of Vernari, 128 F.E.
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Beast
29th of Vernari, 128 F.E.
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Brightness
1st of Apreri, 128 F.E.
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Company
2nd of Apreri, 128 F.E.
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Concerning Ulrich
4th of Apreri, 128 F.E.
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Third Letter from Artemesia to Bishop Dorothea Kramer
5th of Apreri, 128 F.E.
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Reconciliation
17th of Apreri, 128 F.E.
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Progress
20th of Apreri, 128 F.E.
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Eureka
30th of Apreri, 128 F.E.
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Goodbye
2nd of Mavius, 128 F.E.
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Racket
5th of Mavius, 128 F.E.
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Peschaniko
28th of Apreri, 130 F.E.
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Alone
29th of Apreri, 130 F.E.
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Addendum
29th of Apreri, 130 F.E.
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Arsday on the Ocean
5th of Mavius, 130 F.E.
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Storms at Sea
10th of Juneus, 130 F.E.
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Reflection
29th of Zhenus, 130 F.E.
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Letter to Bishop Dorothea Kramer
1st of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Alluminos
2nd of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Resolution
3rd of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Settling
4th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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The Sun Sets on Alluminos
5th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Travel
6th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Disquiet
7th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Bend River
8th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Investigation
9th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Remember
10th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Yonara
13th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Business in Yonara
14th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Reunion
15th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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7/16/130
16th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Leaving Yonara
17th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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First Magic Missive to Dorothea Kramer
17th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Stonescast
18th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Faircaster
19th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Second Magic Missive to Dorothea Kramer
22nd of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Third Magic Missive to Dorothea Kramer
24th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Pain
30th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
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Undying
1st of Harvestus, 130 F.E.
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A painting made while imprisoned by Sharo'ka
1st of Harvestus, 130 F.E.
5th of Harvestus, 130 F.E.
28th of Fevrari, 128 F.E.
29th of Fevrari, 128 F.E.
1st of Vernari, 128 F.E.
1st of Vernari, 128 F.E.
2nd of Vernari, 128 F.E.
3rd of Vernari, 128 F.E.
8th of Vernari, 128 F.E.
12th of Vernari, 128 F.E.
12th of Vernari, 128 F.E.
17th of Vernari, 128 F.E.
25th of Vernari, 128 F.E.
29th of Vernari, 128 F.E.
1st of Apreri, 128 F.E.
2nd of Apreri, 128 F.E.
4th of Apreri, 128 F.E.
5th of Apreri, 128 F.E.
17th of Apreri, 128 F.E.
20th of Apreri, 128 F.E.
30th of Apreri, 128 F.E.
2nd of Mavius, 128 F.E.
5th of Mavius, 128 F.E.
28th of Apreri, 130 F.E.
29th of Apreri, 130 F.E.
29th of Apreri, 130 F.E.
5th of Mavius, 130 F.E.
10th of Juneus, 130 F.E.
29th of Zhenus, 130 F.E.
1st of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
2nd of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
3rd of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
4th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
5th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
6th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
7th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
8th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
9th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
10th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
13th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
14th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
15th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
16th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
17th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
17th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
18th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
19th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
22nd of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
24th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
30th of Gusterus, 130 F.E.
1st of Harvestus, 130 F.E.
1st of Harvestus, 130 F.E.
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