New Diary, Entry 1

A free diary, very nice.
 
Though today was probably my lowest point since coming here.
 
For the past couple days I've been working quite hard at a job where I mend clothing and making a pittance. I figured that that's the sort of thing one can expect, and while it was cruddy pay it was at least something that uses a skill I already have. But then Jo and Scott come back after one and a half day of work, and between the two of them have made 800 times what I did. It made me feel absolutely terrible and worthless.Everyone tried to comfort me because I'm not great at hiding my feelings and it was pretty obvious. They talked about how it was probably partially racially motivated rather than just my skillset.
 
Honestly, that made me feel even worse.
 
See, after I'd changed, I'd been having a decent time with who I've become. Being a Fei'nos, while not what I would have picked if I'd had the choice, has seemed like a fun thing. My deer bits are cute. It's fun having hooves and fur (mostly), I like the big deer ears and even the nose. I can tie ribbons to my antlers and even bells someday. I really have been feeling nice about it. But now ... I just don't know. All my joy at being a Fei'nos has been stripped away, and it seems more like a burden. A poor pick. It turns out I'm the dumb cruddy one, and I'll never bee a part of the group that's worthwhile.
 
It really hurts, but I don't want to talk to the others about it. I don't want platitudes or pity. I'd like to feel better about it, but through ... actually having some worth rather than through emotional obligation.
 
So I need a plan. I really really really want to find a group of Fei'nos that I can talk to and learn from. I may be a human from America at heart, but I'm a Fei'nos here, and I want to explore that. There has to be something good about what I am now. I want to learn some of the culture. I want to know what the different ribbons or bells or other decorations on my antlers can mean. I want to feel that there's something good about being a Fei'nos, a connection to others.
 
Am I a perfect specimen, an alpha like Jo was saying earlier? I don't feel like one at all. I feel like far and away the most useless one of our group, and if all I'm going to be is the weak link, I'd rather find something else to work towards.