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To Trust Yourself
"If your magic comes from you, you still have to believe and trust, but in yourself."
And what if you do not know where your magic comes from? The question, unasked, burned in her mind as she left the theatre. What if it comes from somewhere dark?
It was easy to look at Cardinal and see the heart she brought to her magic. Even if it was not directed, it was pure. Helpful. Light. And, of course, Ama Illum whose magic was bestowed upon her by Lorelai. Healing. Helping. Light.
And then there she was. Temperamental, undirected. Magic fueled by anger and pain. And fear. There was no purity, no light in what she did. Her magic was fire and shadow and screams. She tried to tell herself that it didn't matter, that how she directed it and why was more important than where it came from or what it was. But she knew that was a lie…. maybe not a lie, she considered. Those things did matter. For all that she might doubt herself, she knew that she was not a cruel person. Her magic was never just to hurt. And it was never to keep down those upon whom society already tread. That had to count for something.
Gods…it does have to count for something, doesn’t it?
She could hear the voices playing just at the edge of her mind that laughed, that mocked, that pushed her to just let go. Forget the direction. Forget the control. How can you trust yourself when you do not even know whose voice speaks in your head?
She pushed down the thoughts, the voices, but she could feel the confusion they always left. Was it true that she wasn’t cruel? No matter how hard she tried not to, sometimes she just enjoyed watching things break. And she had to admit, there were people she just didn’t like, that she would toy with just to see their fear. How could you ever really trust someone like that?
Peg knew that Cardinal had pain, and neither her music nor her magic were devoid of that pain…but it was never bitter, never vindictive. She knew who she was, in spite of all that she had been through and she chose to treat the world gently.
But you are just a spoiled angry child.
She didn’t want to think the words–those she knew were her mother’s–but they came unbidden anyway. And how could she say they were wrong? A spoiled, angry child, pretending to be something more.
She frowned as she walked, trying to hold onto Cardinal’s words and Nel’s about her. She fought to give them space. Pretending until it was true…practicing to be who she wanted. She repeated the ideas over and over in her mind. Maybe some days it was true..she was more…even did good.
But she was never someone to be trusted.
Continue reading...
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Who Doesn't Like a Good Soiree?
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Peg's Playlist
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Memories in Rain
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Consequences
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Mother Knows Best
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Always Too Much
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The Early Days
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The Akmon Appreciation Society
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Who Are You Fooling?
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Pretending
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Grim Things
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Childish Make-Believe
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Failure
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Afraid to Die
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Loved Until
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To Trust Yourself
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A Normal Life
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Roses and Thorns
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Through a Glass Darkly, Part One
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A Little Better?
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The Younger Orlov Daughter
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Choices and Actions
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Through a Glass Darkly, Part Two
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Roses and Thorns Revisited
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Adventures in Avalon
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Home
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Eyes
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Of Bravery and Cowardice
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Heroes and Villians
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Scars and Gaping Wounds
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