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8th of June, 1883

Worthy

by Maelie Arsenault

I want you, thin fingers
I wanted you, thin fingernails
And when you bend backwards
I wanted you, I needed you
Oh-oh, to make me better

 
“I'm not worth a body guard!”
‘But you are worthy of being safe.’
 
“…just so much more than I feel worthy of?”
‘I’d give you the stars if I could.’
 
“I... I won't abuse it though.”
‘Please abuse it? Please ask me for anything. Everything.’
 
“I just don't want to be any trouble.”
‘I’m the one that’s trouble.’
 
I'll love you in springtime
I lost you when summer came
And when you pulled backwards
I wanted to, I needed to
Oh-oh, to make me better
Oh-oh, to make me better

 
Mae gently closed the door as Nel followed Cardinal down. Returning to her desk she picked up the gun and finished wiping down the frame and barrel. Slotting the cylinder back in and checking that she hadn’t oiled it too much. She occupied her hands for a while reassembling her revolver and finished by giving it a spin, pulling back the hammer, and listening to the fresh clack of the hammer after she pulled the trigger. The sound of the empty chamber filled the empty room.
 
 
But we're not so starry-eyed anymore
Like the perfect paramour you were in your letters
And won't it all just come around to make you
Let it all unbreak you to the day you met her
But it'd make you better
It'd make you better

 
“I’m trying. I’m trying to be a better person.” Her voice soft in her soundproof sanctum. “I thought… I could follow you towards that. Is that wrong of me? Selfish of me?”
 
She’d spent the last few weeks scrambling to find her footing. Aimless and unfocused, she’d nearly gotten herself and Victor killed. Resolving that had grounded her again, the forming of the Midnighters assured her that she’d have other voices around her other than her mother’s nagging advice at the back of her mind. She’d thought that she’d found a balance.
 
I sung you your twinges
I suffered you your tattletales
And when you broke sideways
I wanted you, I needed you
Oh-oh, to make me better
Oh-oh, to make me better

 
She set the revolver in its case near some of her other adventuring gear. Looking it over, she thought about the last few months of adventures, dinners, heists, and secrets. Why do they see themselves as unworthy of love? Why can’t I just… love them? And why does… wanting to be allowed to love them feel… selfish?
 
But we're not so starry-eyed anymore
Like the perfect paramour you were in your letters
And won't it all just come around and make you
Let it all unbreak you to the day that you met her
And it'd make you better
Did it make you better?
Make you better, oh

 
“…do you ever feel ashamed about anything?”
‘I don’t remember.’
 
She couldn’t remember what most things felt like before she lost the ability to see colour. Her mother had probably made her feel shame somewhere in there but… it was all lost behind a wall of bleak numbness. She could rationalize times with her sister as happy. Times studying as stressful. She still had reactions to them, but… it was all… so dull.
 
And all I wanted was a sliver to call mine
And all I wanted was a shimmer in your shine
To make me bright

 
‘I’m too prideful to feel ashamed. I guess that’s my problem.’
 
Her aunt Kallie and uncle Mika had spent nearly twenty years building up Fox’s confidence. Always encouraging her in the direction of things she was good at, always with new challenges. For the first time in her life she excelled at something that brought smiles to the people she loved… and who loved her back. But then she’d lost them.
 
Cause we're not so starry-eyed anymore
Like the perfect paramour you were in your letters
And won't it all just come around and make you
Let it all unbreak you to the day you met her
But it'd make you better
It'd make you better, oh

 
‘I just want to see you smile. Everyday. Just like the first time on the back of that train. Just like that. Forever. Cause you’re worthy of it. And maybe then, I will be too.’

Continue reading...

  1. The Last Rule
    November 27th, 1882, - Novandria
  2. The Den
  3. Am I losing?
  4. A Close Call
  5. Plans
  6. New Toys
  7. Mistakes were made
  8. Too close to home
  9. Not like you.
  10. This City is Mine.
    February 6th, 1883
  11. Aimless?
    March 5, 1883 - Novandria
  12. The Game Begins
    February 13th, 1883
  13. Too much like You
    March 13, 1883
  14. Safer in Shadows
    April 3, 1883
  15. New Beginnings
    April 7th, 1883
  16. Ready to Run
    April 17th, 1883
  17. Home
    April 25, 1883
  18. Can you steal a heart?
    May 8th, 1883
  19. Trouble
    11th of May, 1883
  20. Heartbreak
    14th of May, 1883
  21. Hunter or Prey?
    16th of May, 1883
  22. Guilt
    19th of May, 1883
  23. Untrustworthy
    21st of May, 1883
  24. Why am I like this?
    25th of May, 1883
  25. Worthy
    8th of June, 1883
  26. The One She Left Behind
    13th June, 1883
  27. Annnd it's back...
    July 1st, 1883
  28. Learning to Fly
    July 4th, 1883
  29. Thrill of the Hunt
    July 29th, 1883
  30. From the Embers
    21st of August, 1883 // 1867
  31. Mother Knows Best
    16th of September, 1883
  32. A Snake, a Star, and a Fox
    25th of September, 1883, Novandria
  33. It wasn't him.
    28th of September, 1883, Novandria
  34. The New Blade
    13th of September, 1883
  35. Something Good
    October 31, 1883 - Novandria
  36. The wound that won't close
    18th of December, 1883 - Novandria
  37. Promise
    25th of December, 1883 - Novandria
  38. Fallen through the cracks
    6th of January, 1884 - Novandria
  39. Day to Night
    7th of January, 1884
  40. What's Left to the Shadows
    22nd of January, 1884, Novandria
  41. The World without Colour
    18th of February, 1884, Bellancourt, Montaigne,
  42. Seventeen Roofs
    26th of February, Novandria, Eisen
  43. Crossing the Board
    4th of March, 1884, Novandria, Eisen
  44. New Freedom
    May 4th, 1884
  45. Saved
    5th of May, 1884/16th of July, 1858

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by 3 Armored Kittens · Prodromos v.1.1 - World Anvil 0.9.15.042 © 2017-2024 [en] | Anvil Time: 01:08, Nov 15 2024