What Was Left of Caviri

I miss Dria. I wished I could’ve done something to save her, or find her sooner to put her out of her misery.
 
I knew she was alive, but I never thought that she would’ve been corrupted into whatever that creature was. I had hoped to find her, to reconnect & bring her home. Instead she hunted us down & tried to eat us. She ripped Trixie apart with one blow. I wouldn’t even have recognized her if I hadn’t seen her priestess necklace. That necklace is the only thing I have left of her now.
 
I suppose I should be happy. One more familial attachment is gone, & now only Virren is left. One more outside attachment that I can't save. I miss how he used to be. What I used to mean to him, who he used to be. I love him for what he was to me. I wish that Virren could've stayed longer, but I understand why he didn't. He's frailer than he used to be, and his mind has been scattered for years. I'm almost grateful that my mother wasn't around to see him like this. There's a smaller, crueler part of me that wishes she could see the damage that her death dealt him.
 
There is blood on my hands as I write. I am still adjusting to my companions, who prefer to kill any enemies we come across. I haven't killed anyone, not with a weapon, or my hands. There is still time, for that to happen. For me to decide to take life instead of giving it. I have my companions for that. Why face that moral dilemma when they are so eager to carry out justice themselves?
 
My companions are unlike anyone else I have met. They are playful one moment, suspicious the next. Engaging with them makes my head spin, in a painfully comforting way. Claire is sweet when she allows herself to be, sharpening her edges to aid her survival. Sometimes it feels like she's in a world of her own. Eli is kind, and it makes my lungs ache. She offered me a hug, after Dria. I can't recall the last time someone asked. She has been so gentle with me, but it will not last. It cannot, after what I told her. She is wary of me now, because I know more than I should. I know more than I told, but not all of my knowledge is mine to share. Gerath (and Mateus) have both become increasingly dangerous. They remind me of a snake, coiled and poised to strike unsuspecting prey. Mateus has been switching more frequently, and I worry that it may be my fault.
 
I think most of this is my fault. Deverim, Jameson, Alexandria, everyone else who's been caught in the crossfire. It all started with me, even before I met the party. I didn't remember it before I unspelled myself, but one of the masked figures took my blood with a magic dagger. I don't know what it did, or why they needed my blood. I'm afraid that I'll drag everyone else into whatever Lydia has planned. It makes me wonder if she had wanted to include me, if she had ever second-guessed leaving me behind. Even now, I would still go with her if she would let me. Especially if it would save my companions from following the same destructive path she seems to be traveling.
 
I think the worst part of remembering is knowing I can't save Lydia. I can only love her. I can't transform her, or fix her, and I can only heal if she'll let me. I love her and somehow it doesn't matter because she doesn't know. She's cold and untouchable and I am hopelessly in love with the best friend I thought I had. Mateus understands better than anyone else.
 
I don't know how to stop loving her and it is killing me. I don't think I can stop loving her, not even if I wanted to.