The First Person Rowan Allowed Herself To Love

Priestesses of the Infallible Goddess aren’t meant to love. They’re made to serve Estovia, to serve the Church. They’re made to be adored, meant to be loved only from afar. Marriage is simply a convenient ritual that placates the Estonian people. An escape for those who wish to see beyond the gates of the Church. Afterall, a goddess’ chosen cannot belong to anyone else.
 
Rowan saw what love did to people. Love is pain and suffering, beauty and perfection, all in one. It is cursed to always be a double-edged blade. And yet, Rowan couldn’t stop herself from falling.
 
Her heart became a graveyard, filled with the headstones of people who didn’t (couldn’t) love her back. Not in the way she wanted. Rowan swallowed her feelings before she could choke on them, and chose to focus on other things.
 
Rowan was taught to soothe, to rebuild people that the world had torn apart. She was taught to heal, and nothing more. Healing was the extent of her usefulness to Estovia. Finding someone to love was the opposite of useful.
 
So when Rowan fell in love with one of her closest friends, she stayed quiet. Although she never voiced her affection, Rowan would’ve done anything for her. Rowan would’ve cut out her own heart and handed it to the girl, if she had asked. Perhaps she knew, but it was possible that she never detected Rowan’s feelings for her.
 
Rowan didn’t mind. She was content to grow closer to the girl she loved, and decided that it wasn’t worth risking their friendship over a crush. Rowan stayed quiet for years, and no one suspected her of falling in love with her best friend. And when she finally did feel ready to confess her feelings, the girl she loved disappeared.
 
So Rowan went looking for her, found her, and then lost sight of her again. Rowan was utterly in love with Lydia Merian, and then she wasn’t. She couldn’t be, not after realizing that she didn’t know her. It hurt to think about what could’ve been between them.
 
Lydia Merian was the first friend Rowan had ever made, and became the first girl to break her heart. The worst part, is that Rowan wanted so badly to listen to every terrible thing Lydia had done and choose to love her anyway. Instead Lydia had chosen to disappear, while Rowan was left with blood in her mouth and memories on her lips.
 
It was expected, but it hurt. Being left behind always hurt.