Death & Moving Forward

Alduin died. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saddened by the loss of the man, death is part of the job. I've seen stronger men than him fall... Hell, even by my very own hand plenty of times. I've had "companions" die on me - frequently even. So, why does his death give me pause? I'll admit, he was growing on me, and I was beginning to enjoy his company somewhat. Apparently he wasn't going anywhere so what else could I do but try to tolerate his presence. Maybe he was more of a companion than those from the paid jobs I'm used to? Times like this definitely make me miss being on my own.
 
He was reckless though. Too reckless for someone as small and frail as he was. The recent elf companion is probably even more frail than Alduin, but he thinks before he acts, which is probably why he's still alive after several of the battles we've been through. Personally, I'd rather bash some heads before asking questions - it seems to soften them up plenty good for later. But the ones I'm with now seem to always want to think and plan and talk before a fight. I don't like it. We did all that and Alduin still died when he tried to face that demigod thing alone. It was a dumb thing to do in that situation - I should have been the one to take the thing on. I am the largest and strongest of our little group. I could have taken the beating from that damned thing and survived.
 
So, what does all this mean? Death, companions, strength, planning... Is there strength in having companions around? Are they greater for trying to lay plans before entering the fray? Is the elf woman with a shield actually a man? Am I sad over the loss of a companion? This all makes my head hurt.
 
Also, what the actual fuck?! We were charged to find out and eradicate a group of cultists down in a gods forsaken mine and were nearly killed by a demigod! And all we got for our troubles was a worthless rock with some magic runes from Allustan that WE HAVE TO GIVE AWAY to Otto?!?! Otto better pay up and make all that trouble worth it considering he was the one who sent us to the shithole town in the first place. Gods I hate mages. This world would be a better place if they were all locked on an island somewhere and forced to deal with the schemes and machinations of their own kind alone. Maybe throw the elves on that island too - they could dance for the mages or something pointless. "Point-less". It's ironic because of their pointy ears. Though, that new girl Kit is definitely fun to be around. She seems naïve and almost innocent, but I've seen her kill and drink the night away, so she's got some hope yet. Yeah, I like that one. And the dwarf - their kind is always a good time. Maybe it's just a façade , like an act he puts on, or maybe he's just horrible in a fight, but he always makes me laugh when he tries to clamber around on those stubby legs. The giant maul he carries was a bold choice - one I approve of - but I think it might be too big for him.
 
The dark skinned wizard, Armando, is growing on me - despite my better judgement. I wasn't surprised to see him run from a fight back in those cursed temples, but I've been pleasantly surprised that he hasn't since. In fact, he's stepped up a few times in the face of certain death, which I can't help but give him credit for. I still don't trust magic or mages, but he has been useful on many occasions. I don't know what I would have done with the owlbear being the size it was if Armando didn't shrink it down to something I could carry out. That was a rather brilliant idea on his part.
 
Well, it's agreed. I won't kill them all and will continue to let them follow me around. For now. I have made better money this last month alone than I typically do in a year, so there might be something to all this.