A Moment For Breath

So the night before was an... well it was certainly a bit of an experience that I have not been processing entirely well. Well, you know it's been all like stuff and things and I have not been able to keep my head in one place for the last couple days. You know it's very much been the kinda thing where I've been too distracted to even give myself a moment to breathe and think about all that's goin on and like fuck what the fuck am I even trying to do here? Like, at all?
 
I talked to Charlotte a couple days back, about bein' more feminine and stuff, and I think it we talked about it somewhat... I don't know exactly how that went or what she thinks about that, but I don't think I'd trust anyone else with that kind of thinking. She's so very nice and kind and I don't know if I really trust anyone else with my personal stuff... especially the like girly stuff.
 
Though I don't think I appreciate the fact that Ael and her seem to be trying to shove me with Louise, mood settin and all these looks they are giving me and her and UGH I don't know why it gets to me. It makes me feel like a... like an object or a person that they're like betting on in a way. That's the feelin I get. It doesn't feel good, and I don't think they really understand what all this is to me. And Louise is nice and she's fun and she's smart and talented, but I don't think I think of her in the same way they think I think of her, or even just of people in general.
 
I haven't been around people who have been an option in a while, and yeah while I had some rumbles in prison that were both fights and... something more. But like, I don't think that I've ever been attached to a single person like they think, and honestly seeing them want this more for me makes me feel like self conscious and things. I don't want them looking at me like this, and I don't appreciate this being shoved on me.
 
My birthday is the day that we wake up in Grimgolir... I don't want that day to come, and I don't think I want anyone to know. Just distance myself from that whole day, make it about someone else that deserves it more, like Virdan. Virdan deserves to have a solid win under his belt. A solid day for himself and socializing and stuff.
 
I don't think I like being this front and center in the rest of their minds... I just. I don't
 
I don't know what to think
 
I don't know what I'm doing at all
 
I just don't know how do anything! and I don't know what all this shit is.
 
I don't know what I'm feeling when I look at them laughing behind my back! Even if it's for me. Even if they think it's a positive thing to shove me with some woman who I'm having sex with! I don't like them doing this, I don't like all this. I feel like the fabric of my hood and my clothes and everything around me is shrinking in and choking me out. I want out. Not away, just out, just fuckin run from all this shit, but it's all under my hood. It's all in my mind.
 
I don't want to control the beast - I want to let it take me away, let it make life a little more simple that all this shit.