Simply torn

So it looks like we’re heading off to the forest, again. That’s fine by me. There are dangers in forests, for sure, but they are dangers that I feel much more capable of dealing with. They are straightforward dangers. Kill or be killed. Or don’t. There are no thoughts, feelings or morals to complicate things, only instincts.
 
I can live on my instincts just fine. That’s something this strange land has taught me. I spent so long shuttered away, living off what was prepared for me. If it hadn’t been for my Aunt…
 
But I don’t want to think about that. I need to think about what’s next, not what has been. What has been will always be, what is next is for me…for us to shape. This group has such power when we are together. Not just in numbers, not just in standing together. But in our hope. In our steadfast focus on what is ahead of us.
 
Whitestone seems friendly enough. We’re here on behalf of Orlando, who I am more than pleased to offer my assistance to. At his behest, we met Lord Percy. I’m not going to write his full name, because it’s ridiculous. He was courteous, if distanced, and just when the conversation was forming some meat upon its bones, he ushered Ceri, Rafi and I out of the room. I trust Orlando, although he did come out of that conference with Lord Percy without his gun and having signed us up to a track and rescue mission. The latter of course is fine, that’s what I do – the former, well that shows a degree of trust I would not put in a stranger.
 
You see, Abbil – already it is complex! Already the machinations of men require sacrifice, double deals and stripes to be earned. The forest will require none of that from us. The forest will require us to survive. Or not. It’s straightforward.
Speaking of straightforwardness, I envy the straightforwardness with which my companions seem to view the world. So sure of their actions and their thoughts. Some things seem straightforward to me. Helping the innocents. Helping those who can’t help themselves. That’s why I fight. The rest, though – there’s no certainty. Not to kill when it would benefit everyone…I don’t see the logic of that. It feels more about not tarnishing one’s own soul than it does preserving the souls of others. Rafi gets it. More and more I feel a kinship with the way he thinks. Ceri is…I envy her so much. She is a very literal angel. There is nobody I respect more. But Rafi – sure, he lies, cheats and probably steals, but there’s a simplicity in his assessment of a situation which strikes a chord.
 
I am torn.
 
I am also torn about how I feel about Arin. I fear Dalmar is not a route toward safety for him. Perhaps safety is not what he wants. He clearly needs this more than he needs us, and I know Dalmar will be a more than able teacher, if not a fun one. I hope she teaches him how to use his mace, because he’s fucking awful with that thing. Perhaps a dagger or another set of spells would be more his thing.
 
His departure is not what makes me feel torn. He is following his path. Simeon seems able enough. We will know that for sure in the forest. I wonder why he wants to stay with us, though. I don’t know what he, Wind and Sabali got up to while we were helping Orlando and I’m not sure I want to, but Simeon was the one who came back sober. That shows some sense, at least. So one cleric replacing another…I’m sad to see Arin go, but the party will be fine. No. What makes me feel torn is where they are headed. If they are headed to Wildemount, then they could well be headed to Xhorhas. That makes me feel…conflicted. I want, I need information from there. I need to know for sure.
 
I’m not sure Arin and Dalmar are the ones I want to have that information. I am torn about whether or not I want them to look.
I’m torn about why each step along this journey I take with the Unbroken, whilst it without a shadow of a doubt leaves me stronger, leaves us stronger…it does not lead to simplicity.
 
Still, Abbil. Who the fuck needs a simple life?