The First Letter Home

I can’t sleep.
 
I can see the fading moonlight forcing its way through the dirt on the window. Someone is obviously still drinking downstairs, celebrating the return of the villagers, and their laughter grates on my nerves like knife on the bone.
 
I can’t sleep and I feel sick. Yet again, people are dead because of me.
 
It was I who helped convince them all to travel. It’s true, they weren’t safe in Bel. The gnolls would have torn them apart in just days. I was right about that. But I hadn’t even thought about the fact that they weren’t safe on the journey home either. I’d been so confident. I knew that I knew the way back.
 
The four of them who died….I don’t know their names. I didn’t want to. Which worked out fine because it didn’t seem as if anyone wanted to talk about them. Those four died because of me. It was my fault. I had to double back, I very nearly got us lost in that dank swamp. The navigator who can’t navigate. I even nearly got the small demon-worshipper killed – if he hadn’t managed to wield the demon weapon so quickly, he would have been nothing more than crocodile food.
 
They were just looking for somewhere to call home. I knew at once what they meant. How they felt. To travel when it is one's choice is one thing, to have travel thrust upon you when you are trying to build a life is an abhorrence. What I said to Oteus is true - they could come to Drynna and build a new home, one where they can live without the influence of a hag and without the constant threat of wild overgrown dog people.
 
I can't sleep, I feel sick and I'm drunk, which is making it hard to think. Whether these people can make a new home or not - and I am going to do everything I can to make sure they can should they wish to - are 36 lives saved worth 4 lost? Was my life worth…
 
I know you said to stay gone, but I need to know – are you alive? Are any of you alive? Am I all that is left? If you’re all dead…am I Den Mother now? And if you’re all gone, what exactly am I Mother to?
 
That was my fault, too. I didn’t even think. It was just a night with a goblin, one of many, I didn’t think anyone would recognise me. I’d snuck out so many times it wasn’t something I thought about doing any more. I just didn’t think. Maybe the fact four guards with their weapons drawn just happened to be in that same disused tunnel as Rizz and I was a little more than a coincidence. Maybe the way they smiled when I used my name to get us out of it and then just left…of course it was a set up. Poor Rizz didn’t stand a chance. He tried to run too and…well, I guess that was my fault, too.
 
I should have thought. I should have listened to you. Every night, you told me. Every night you tucked me in, made sure I knew you loved me, even though nobody else ever would, that you would always be all I had because of my corrupted blood, and you were sorry. You said I should be grateful I wasn’t like my brothers and sisters. And here I am without you. Here I am, trying to prove you wrong and every time I try anything, people die.
 
First Rizz, then you…perhaps all of you…then Ussta Ssuth, poor Zeni in the cave, I still don’t know how she survived, and now these poor villagers. The worst thing is, I felt so proud! I’d persuaded them to do what I wanted them to do. What I felt was best for them. Then I got them killed. So much for what I know. I should have been able to bring them all back safely, that was my job. I won’t be keeping this gold. I haven’t earned it.
 
At least I listened to the guards who taught me how to shoot, as well as how to hide. My bow has been my best friend since the innkeep found me. I used it first to pay back my debt to him. Then to earn enough coin to properly arm myself for these lands. Then once more to prove myself to these people, without it I am nothing but my senses. Yet since the spiders… well, my aim seems to not be what it was. Perhaps I’ve managed to kill that friend, too.
 
I can’t let the others know. I can’t let them see I am weak. That I will no doubt bring their death if not now, then soon. Even if I do bring death, I need them. For now. There is no choice.
You told me I would always be an outcast. I don’t feel like an outcast with these people the innkeep has thrust me with. I thought home was keeping myself hidden, secret, hiding my true nature from everyone. I thought home was my brothers, sisters and the rest of the Den. I thought home was Rizz and his gang, the only people who treated me like I was normal. I thought home was boredom, silence and anger. Now I realise that whilst Xhorhas was where I lived, it was not my home. You tried your best and you and the Den always acted in the way you thought was right, the way your faith, beliefs and hearts told you to act. You were true to yourselves.
 
I don't even know who I am. Yet these people listen to me. They protect me and I them. They rely on me. I feel like if I can continue to make them need me…maybe I won’t feel so alone.
Maybe they can help me.
 
Someone, please let me know you are still alive. You can reach me at the Eagle’s Landing in Drynna. The innkeep, Rebur, will keep anything you send until he can get it to me. Send it in the family code so I know it is you. I can’t get back to you now. Not like this, not with what I've learned about the world. I choose to travel. I choose another life. But I want to know you are safe.
 
If you are reading this and you are not my family and you choose to come and find me…well bear in mind that I bring death with me and you will find that, too.