The battle for Enessa's soul

By the gods, Abbil, what the hell have I done? What has been done to me?
 
I’m looking back at the previous pages here and how I found it funny that three gods, in effect, were taking an interest in me. It made me feel powerful.
 
I am anything but powerful. And it is anything but funny that these creatures’ eyes are upon me. The Exarch returned tonight, returning my Ussi to me. Again. Information was also given freely about how I can summon Ussi, change his form. As the Exarch spoke, I seemed to understand his words. They made sense, I felt the fey magic shape itself to the understanding the Exarch helped me to reach. I can summon him now. I understand what Ussi is. He’s not my Ussi. Not any more. And yet he is.
 
Is that what I am, now? Am I still Enessa? Am I still the same woman I was before I died? Oh yes, I died last night, although that’s really only a very small part of the story. I remember one of my tutors, a tall, elderly, even for a Drow, man with receding hair. Gallois, I think his name was. He didn’t last long before mother had him…removed from his position. I don’t remember much of the learning he was supposed to deliver to me, but I did remember this – it was regarding ships. From time to time, ships need repair. Planks are replaced, oars made new, crews changed and masts reinforced. Once every plank on a ship old enough has been replaced, is it the same ship? Nothing of the original remains, so is its only claim to that ship’s identity the fact that it is given that identity by others? Although it is something completely new?
 
I felt life slip from me. I felt…HER come for me, although I didn’t know it was her at the time. Death was no procession toward a white light, it was no comforting blanket of sleep. I felt her pull at me. Tearing at me. Pulling me to her piece by piece. Not my body. I didn’t have my body any more. I felt her pull at what I was, at the core of my being and mind. I felt haired, sharp legs shredding who I was, am and could be. I felt an inexorable dissection and my soul tearing away from itself, away from everything I am and away from safety.
 
Then I woke up with Simeon’s lips on mine and I kissed him. His lips were softer than a goblin’s, and I’m not sure I liked that. What I liked was I saw no trace of pride, or even pleasure in what he was doing to bring me back. It was simply what he felt he should do. It was his gift to give, so he gave it.
 
Only am I the same Enessa? Now I know that I am hers, now I know where I am bound after this life ends, has bringing me back with that knowledge brought the same me back? I have never feared death in my life. I have seen enough of it. I have caused more. We all have. We have also saved lives. Does that balance? Does the scale lie even? I fear death now. I fear what comes next. I fear what that will make me do and how I will react. So am I the same? What have they brought back?
 
Whatever I am, I am very glad Simeon saved me from that fate. For now. The Exarch said I should find out what binds me to Lolth before I die again. Easy words from an immortal causally considering the inevitable death of one with a very short time left to her even being young.
 
Gods, Abbil, I don’t feel young. I don’t feel like myself. I can feel her. Perhaps it is memory. Perhaps it is simply how I’m interpreting the senses now I am back in physical form. Perhaps it is just fear, but when I close my eyes I can feel the shredding starting all over again.
 
I feel better now Ussi is here. I feel better now we’re not attacking the vampires today. I can’t die again. Not yet. Not when it’s not worth it. Thankfully I was able to make the decision look easy. I was sorry to let Raphael down, but it already didn’t matter at that point. The vote had gone the way of parley.
 
Thank the gods.
 
I have to find something to get rid of this. I have to find what was promised and how.
 
I need my mother.