20210619 Megafauna Are Us

Well, I didn't make quick work of the remnants.

And we didn't all live happily ever after... ...yet.
 
But it does feel good to be a Dagnabbit.
 
What is a Dagnabbit? Some kind of megafauna beast of burden that the Orcish tribes occasionally see. They call them something starting with an "I". I spent days riding the one named Dagnabbit. Picture a wooley dire elephant or bison and a unicorn, and maybe a rhino or hippo having a freaky three-way one randy spring afternoon. The love-child of all that would look like a Dagnabbit. So anyway, I got used to him well enough to pull off a Wild Shape and sort of borrow his size and shape.
 
Wrong Way, the dire bee, my best-est buddy in the whole wide world loved the idea because he didn't want to be flying in all this smoke and smog anyway, and he can ride my shoulders much more easily.
 
What do you do when you are a Dagnabbit on a battlefield?
 
Smash.
 
I didn't have very good vision, which as I said about the smoke earlier, no one else did either, but the sense of smell is incredible. I smelled a pair of Hellhands, (those of course are ranch hands who have been possessed by evil demons from hell) not far to the East. Some people think you need to know the location of your target to charge. Not when you are a Jesse, you don't.
 
Full on gallop through the smoke. Head down. Ramming speed. There's Rye Hess. He's stuck on my horns. Now he's under my feet. Now you see Harp Hess. Now you don't. I come to a stop.
 
Which direction next? Wrong Way is loving this. I smell Harp back there and a couple more Hellhands further ahead. I seem to be between two glowing magical bales of hay. Hey, maybe those are food for an evil demon cow (or army of them) that evil bull Methurg was trying to summon. Oh! That's a whole thing! Master Farvald was supposed to do a ritual that would banish all the demons from this Sarsaparilla Ranch. I wonder how far he got on that? It was like his #1 thing.
 
There's so much to remember when you have a brain the size of a walnut.
 
A coyote howled! Very scary, but that must be Miro! He's friendly. You know, friendly fire, like that. Sounds (and smells) like he wants some help smashing a Hellbovine up north there.
 
Full on gallop through the smoke. Head down. Ramming speed. There's a Hellcow on my horns. Now she's over behind me. Here's Miro the dire coyote. Oops!! I hit his magic lightning spell. Here's Bruthasmus carrying Master Farvald. OOPS!! How do I stop?!?
 
What have I done?!? I shift back into my normal human form. What happened? I'm naked. I'm on the ground. I'm feeling TERRIBLE! I just trampled Miro and Bruthasmus and Farvald! I ruined everything! I've got to go south... way south... Morordor... stick my head in a hole in the ground and cry.
 
Wrong Way is here. It's not so bad. Except when it is. But it's not so bad. Miro and Bruthasmus are hurt but alive. Master Farvald is dead again, but that happens like every week since I've known him. He grew back from a seed last time he died. I wore his robes, and Bruthasmus took his bones and seeds, and I called for Mother Nature to bless the countryside with massive fertility, and he grew back. But I'm out of favors that size. I need to pay it forward with Mother Nature before I can do that again. Maybe he finished the ritual he was working on to banish the demons. Anyone see? Did anyone see if Farvald finished closing the gate to Hell? Anyone?
 
I pick up Farvaldd's robes. Miuro says he will choke me if I put them on again. A little bit of normalcy is nice. Wrong Way found my cowboy hat. Good ol' Wrong Way. I'm starting to feel better. I think the smoke and fog are getting clearer.
 
The gate looks closed, but the bales of hay are still pulsing with colorful magic light. So that's not good.
 
Bruthasmus wants to smack another Hellbovine because that's the only thing we know of that will definitely help the situation.
 
Miro pulls out his magical Whappy Stick to Whap! some healing on us.
 
I know ritual magic like portals to hell are very picky about stuff. That's about all I know about them. I go to move one of the magical glowing (and flaming because somebody set this one on fire, but it's not turning off the portal to hell anywhere near fast enough just by burning it) hay bales - while I'm Wild Shaping into Dagnabbit again.
 
Head down. Insert horns into bale. Lift and separate. Leap forward. Flaming straw goes everywhere! It's Saint Jesse's Fire all over. And it doesn't even hurt that much.
 
Who's that? A Hellcow! Full on gallop through the thinning smoke. Head down. Ramming speed. There's a Hellcow on my horns. Now she's over there ahead of me, resting in that other flaming bale of hay. It looks like it does hurt that much.
 
Up North, Brathasmus is shouting something. Something smarmy, I'm pretty sure. Full on gallop through the bushes. Head down. Ramming speed. There's a Hellcow on my horns. Now she's under my feet.
 
I keep stampeding. I've been hit by a Whappy Stick. There's a coyote bounding from my butt to my shoulder, leaping off the longer horn. Pirouette. Backflip. Stuck the landing. Running ahead.
 
More hellbovines way up ahead.
 
Wrong Way is laughing in my ear the whole time.
 
I may have messed up a lot today, but it does feel good to be a Dagnabbit.