Session: Jan. 1st, 2024

I don't like leaving killers alive. I don't like being lied to. And I certainly don't like being called selfish when I'm just trying to keep my party alive. Yet all of those things happened.
 
I tried to convince the party that we needed to kill Carlin before we left Count Peyton's. We know he enjoys killing, we know he's a psychopath, and we know he plans to kill Cor'nan. Yet, for some frustrating reason, they all said we should just let the authorities deal with it. They had me message the Inquisitor I'd met with last night, who said he'd look into it. It's not that I don't trust the Inquisitor, but the Inquisitor isn't there all the time. He's not going to be able to watch over Cor'nan. Also leaving Carlin alive to just continue being a psychopath who works for Malzod seems like a terrible idea. If we can't kill Malzod yet, then killing someone who's willing to do his dirty work for him seems like the next best option. But nooooo...If Cor'nan winds up dead, I plan to fully blame the rest of the party for that.
 
Then immediately after that, I found out from Mortalis that Dan'or'avil mainly became Dan'or'avil BECAUSE of Vores??? The magical dragon queen that everyone was so excited about? The entire reason we were told the Vorestheyra exists? SHE was super high up in the Cult of Nar'can'us and is actually the one who brought Dan'or'avil to it? Which then of course involved a confrontation with Garrin, who had obviously been lying to us about the true purpose of the Vorestheyra. Which, apparently, is to find the reincarnations of Vores and kill them before they can take up her purpose of ruling over Pyrenol and bringing back Nar'can'us.
 
Obviously that caused us to ask about Chaedove, to which he said they'd given her the choice of being executed or working for them, quietly, and staying holed up in the Vorestheyra headquarters forever. According to Garrin she took the latter option, and the note from her was indeed real. But when I asked if we'd be able to see her, he said probably not, which is not an answer I am willing to accept. It also means that the note Dan'or'avil sent us when we got onto the airship was 100% truth. He said the Vorestheyra had been planning to execute Chaedove, and were holding her in their headquarters now, and were keeping the truth from us. None of that was incorrect. I find it a terrible place to be when I can trust what my enemy says more than someone who claims to be my ally. Garrin said THEY were even the ones who set up the assassination attempt at her coronation. Apparently the Cult tried to intervene, but the assassins (including the one who SHOT ME) were all theirs'.
 
And then the party has the nerve to turn around and judge me? I'm not even keeping secrets from them! Well, that's mostly true. I haven't fully told them about what I've been practising with Mortalis. As we left Count Peyton's to start the journey to my mother's, I foolishly asked Elegant if healing magic replenishes blood lost. Mortalis mentioned it had been a while since he'd been fed, and he's not wrong. I was hoping I could just use my own blood and get Elegant to heal me. I thought they'd all be curious enough to see if it worked for science. But they weren't. They were horrified. They did agree that I could drain the blood of anyone we killed, but Zun tried to make me agree not to feed Mortalis my own blood anymore, which I skirted around.
 
What hurt the most though was him calling me selfish. He told me that I was trying to gain more power for myself, and that's why I was doing this. I don't know how to make him see that this is all for them. For my father. To make sure that I am never so weak again that those I care about can just be taken from me. Saving Father, and killing Mother and G'Vath'Haz are MY responsibilities. And I am so grateful that they've agreed to help me in that. I never thought I'd get to the point where I had a party willing to take that on. But this is my task. This is everything I've been working towards for the last 15 years. The responsibility here is not equal. I have the burden of this to see it through, and that means I carry the task of keeping everyone involved alive. That's what a leader does. That's what a friend does. They shouldn't have to get hurt or, gods forbid, die, because I wasn't strong enough to keep them safe.
 
He thinks that I don't trust them enough to take care of themselves, but that's not true. I know they're strong. I do. But they don't know what we're up against. Mother and G'Vath'Haz...the cruelty that I've seen them display...the fact that they both worked so hard to take away any ounce of free will I had, and revelled in my suffering...the party doesn't understand that. And why would they? They didn't live it. They've never met Mother or G'Vath'Haz. But I know who we're going to fight. Does it not make sense to do everything in my power to ensure we succeed? Why is it selfish to get stronger? Isn't that what they're all trying to do too? I have to assume they're going to go into this fight at peak performance, and that's what I must do too. That means becoming as ingrained with Mortalis as I can, without losing myself.
 
But when Zun asked if I wanted to trust them more than Mortalis, I said "I think so?". And I just know that Mortalis is going to have words with me about that. Which is fair. I'm just so confused. I want to get stronger with Mortalis, but if I do, I risk the party losing all trust in me and leaving. But if I choose them, and stop working with Mortalis like I have been, I become useless. I'm a warlock. I need a patron to be able to do anything at all. And Mortalis is the best shot I've ever had of finally being able to take down Mother and G'Vath'Haz. I can't lose him. But I don't know where that leaves me. I literally feel like I'm being pulled in two directions. I wish things could just be simple for ONCE in my life.
 
At least there's Rayan. He's been the one consistently good thing since we've been at Count Peyton's. Though, of course, now we're leaving and I might never see him again. He got me a necklace, this cute little ruby like heart. I gave him a poison scabbard as a thank you, more attempts to keep him safe. I'm so scared that Dan'or'avil or Mother will find out about Rayan and use him against me, so it's probably for the best that I leave him behind anyway. Forming lasting relationships is something I don't have the luxury of until our enemies are gone. But I was so grateful for the time he and I shared together, however brief. I plan to cast Sending to him as I can while we're gone...it would be nice to have a friend. I did warn him that I might die, which perhaps I shouldn't have...but I wanted him to understand that if I stopped messaging, it wasn't because I didn't care! It was just because I quite literally couldn't. I think I've worried him though. Sigh.
 
Only other thing of note was a last minute visitor to Count Peyton's as we were leaving. Someone driving a small carriage. A woman who changed her face as she approached the Count's home, and I believe she called herself Val'rie (or Valerie? It was hard to hear). I warned Rayan that she's not necessarily who she says she is, and it has me curious, but I suppose it's not my problem anymore. I've got much bigger problems to face now.