Session: Oct. 23rd, 2023

It would seem going after answers only leads to more questions. Not that I'm disappointed in getting answers. On the contrary, I'm rather desperate to get answers...I just wish that for once, things could be simple. Or at least not mildly horrifying to learn.
 
I tried messaging Dan'or'avil last night to find out why he wants to murder me so badly. It went through, I could feel it, but he didn't respond, which I think is rather rude. I'll probably tell him that tonight, to be honest, though I don't want to bother him so much that he decides to come after me. I just want answers. It's not fair that he gets to make my life extremely difficult, and I don't even know the proper reason.
 
At least I got a couple answers when it comes to our time with Ahzek, though I didn't like what I saw. I had a sneaking suspicion we had done a lot of things I would not be happy about, most likely murder, but I didn't want to be proven right so quickly. Mortalis helped me break through the barrier in my memories that Ahzek set up. It was...unpleasant, to say the least. Also concerning that Mortalis said whoever created the barrier was probably at the same power level he was at. Nonetheless, we were able to get through it, and I witnessed two memories. One where we slaughtered an entire tiny village at Ahzek's bidding, and then one where Ahzek got instructions from someone, then told us to go murder a man's entire family. When I mentioned this to Mud, he said he recalled Tarranvar mentioning that Ahzek slaughtered his entire family, and that's part of the reason they hated each other. So, interestingly, I think we may have been the ones to murder Tarranvar's family. I know how much Tarranvar sucks, so I don't have any sympathy for him...but I really hope his family sucked just as much as he did. I don't know how much more I can take of finding out what we did while under Ahzek's bidding, but I must. I need to know. Not knowing is so much worse, somehow, even though what we're finding out is horrifying. So much death. I've killed a lot of people, whether because of G'Vath'Haz, or justice, or self defense, and I knew the total was high. But to find out that the count is already 20+ people higher than I thought, most of them probably innocent...it's something I can't dwell on or I'll go crazy. I'm not a bad person. I'm not. I'm NOT.
 
But...Mortalis said that Cor'nate controls people through emotion. That the stronger their anger and hatred and violent tendencies are, the easier they are to control. And he very obviously implied that the reason I was so easy to control was because I was all of those things. He expressed excitement for working with me because I was more murderous than he first thought. That doesn't sit well with me. I'm violent to get things done, and only to those who deserve it. I'm not like him. I'm not like my mother. I don't kill for fun. And I wish people would stop saying I'm so concerning. I'm nothing like them.
 
I probably shouldn't have left Mortalis in my brain. But he said if the memories came out in my day to day it could be...problematic. And I agree. We were heading to the prison, and that is NOT a place where I want them somehow finding out the things that I've done. So he's there, for a day, to see what happens. I can still use him as a weapon while he's in there, and he certainly didn't get in my way while we were at the prison, so this might actually work out just fine. There's absolutely no way I can tell the others though. If Zun knew Mortalis was more in my head than usual...there would be hell to pay.
 
At least the prison visit went okay. Though okay might be stretching it. Nothing bad happened, I suppose, but Ny'ell fully confessed, in front of us, that she murdered Taria. Apparently Elegant was cheating on her with Taria, and Ny'ell caught them, confronted Taria, and when Taria was a dick in response, went into a fit of rage. I have a hard time really blaming Ny'ell. Obviously, murder shouldn't be the first resort. I get that. But being betrayed by the one you love like that...I can see how it would make someone snap. It's also crazy to me that that would receive the death penalty. A life for a life, I guess, but with the amount of people we've all murdered in the last two or three years...it feels vastly unfair that Ny'ell gets cheated on, murders one person, and is going to be killed for it. We'll see what Elegant has to say about that now that we're on our way home.
 
I just hope the meeting with the psychopathic Mister Carlen this afternoon goes better than I'm thinking it will...