Day 12-13, Mirdan 16 Jaqmont 3Y53

Traveling was interesting, I need to talk to Ryleigh about … well herself. She’s just as… just as sad I think. In a different way. And neither of us like ourselves very much. I never would have thought I’d care about a human. I’ve never really run into any nice ones (Ok so the two in Omubagi were also strangely nice). She’s saved me more than once, neither time did I ask her to, she just did it. She keeps trying to help me, and… and tells me that I matter and I want to do the same for her. Because she does.
 
I mean, I guess I was a little… I don’t know if jealous is the right word, of her because Urrak talks to her a lot, even though I offered to listen and all she’s done since then is continue to hurt me... and I can tell it helps a little, you know. Maybe I’m sad now that *Ryleigh* talks to Urrak, I don’t know who else would understand... Ravaphine and Nolanos enjoy her company, as I do and she is much more knowledgeable in this world we’ve been thrown into. I know she thinks she’s a monster, because of what she was forced to do what she thinks she might have done by wanting to, but I don’t believe it. I know of those spells, I’m learning some of those spells. They don’t work like that, if you can’t shake it off, you’re forced to do as they wish. At least I don’t think they do, I wish I knew more so I could say for certain.
 
I don’t know how to make her see that she isn’t that monster. Someone who… someone who tries to make me like myself couldn’t be one. I could tell her over and over, kind of like she tells me. But also like me, she probably doesn’t really believe it.
 
At least I didn’t. I’m… slowly starting to believe it.
 
I’ve spent years being told otherwise so being told what they said isn’t true, in only a week, well it’s not an easy thing to just forget or let go.
 
I didn’t realize how much I think I understand her… I… it’s so hard to talk to her when Urrak is always pulling her away and then I get so caught up in you… I’m not blaming you, it’s just a fact, mo shearc. Is having friends always like this? I don’t think I like it very much, it’s very stressful and I worry so much. I don’t ever want to be alone again.
 
Anyway, I just didn’t think she’d appreciate that kind of conversation where anyone could possibly over hear us, as I don’t think she’s told anyone what she told me, well maybe Urrak but… I don’t really care to talk to her right now.
 
There were so many orcs. I think Urrak even tried to talk to some of them to get us to pass but… well we ended up killing all of them. I kind of angered some trapped in a cage, bad idea.
 
I’m so glad I could stop Cae’s shifting for a little bit. I mean, I nearly killed her, but the spell worked and I managed to stabilize her after.
 
I’m glad I was waiting for her to break out, Urrak and Ryleigh were so quick to pull their weapons even though I told them I could handle it.
 
Maybe one day they’ll listen to me, believe me.
 
We’re resting for a while, at least until Cae comes to again.
 
I’m…
 
I’m so glad I…
 
I never wanted to ask. I wanted you to just… I wanted you to feel comfortable enough to just tell me one day?
 
Any time I asked for some kind of… some kind of story about you, you always tried to talk about something else. I let you, mostly. I didn’t want to push, I didn’t want to force it out of you. I figured maybe… maybe one day you’d be okay to talk to me.
 
But I was worried tonight. We were going to be in this place all night and… goddess I was worried. I was so close to just taking you back out, so we could just stay outside, but I couldn’t do that to Cae. I couldn’t let the possibility of keeping her alive… of keeping any of them alive. We needed you— I needed you there. Just in case. I can only do so much, I can’t help them all if something were to happen.
 
I’m grateful that you told me, and now I can… now I can make sure… now I can help.
 
I got to talk to Ryleigh a little bit.
 
She doesn’t think we’re friends. I mean… that we care about her? I guess it’s valid, we haven’t known her for long but…
 
I fell in love with you in less than a week.
 
She’s… I guess not having friends and getting ones now has made me want to make sure everyone I care about feels like they’re wanted.
 
The demon-orcs got out and we took care of them. One of them kept calling me ‘little-devil’. I tried to ignore it but it made me so angry. I don’t want it to keep making me feel bad, but it’s what they always called me back there. So that’s all that I think about when it comes up, all those years of…
 
I really should have stayed with you the rest of the night, but I just…
 
I had to make sure Cae was ok. Even if I hadn’t hurt her daughter I’d still want to do it. The thought of her losing her mother it…
 
Getting out… I
 
You scared me.
 
I could have been up and out well before anyone else, but I couldn’t leave you. I needed to make sure you’d be okay.
 
I’m so glad I had that spell left.
 
~*~*~
 
Why does no one want my help?
 
That’s all I want to do. I like helping people but it’s always turned away. I wanted to make sure you and Cae got back without any issues. To rest. You both needed it.
 
So, thank you for taking the offer. I am glad Ravaphine agreed to.
 
I get why Cae didn’t want to though. I’m sure I’m her least favorite person. Seeing her kill those orcs… I don’t think I’d be sitting here right now had I tried to actually run away.
 
I don’t know what’s going on with Urrak. She’s fine one minute and then just at someone’s throat the next. I don’t understand
 
~*~*~
 
I was so tired when I got back that I didn’t think about staying with you, making sure you were okay. Obviously not…
 
I needed a break. I still need one. After being in the keep and your stuff with the cages and mine with my horns I just couldn’t believe what I did to Misha. How could I do that to someone? I know that trapped feeling, so how could I go and do that to someone else? I am literally someone’s nightmare and if I think about it too long I can’t breathe.
 
I didn’t stay out there as long as I thought, I was falling asleep and I wanted to see you. I’m glad the others were there briefly. If only to help me to you.
 
I wish I was there for you. Your accent is wonderful and I’m happy you shared it with me, even if you didn’t intend to. I’m kind of surprised about the god thing… well, after hearing a few things, I understand.
 
But do you think I’m crazy? Because I said I’ve talked to them? You… you said you didn’t think I was but how could you not when you don’t believe in them? I’m… I don’t know how to feel about that, I can’t… the thought of you thinking that I’m insane or just trying to get attention like them...
 
Please don’t. That will hurt me so much, it’s already hurting. I can’t think about this right now. I’m too tired. Maybe I’ll be able to think better after some sleep.
 
But it hurts