Some Old Dwarven Place - several days

So we’re in this old dwarven place, so far mostly filled with orcs, to find some old dwarven forge and weapons. I think mostly the weapons. There was this room full of sarcophagi and Urrak only opened one… I wanted to open the others but…
 
How is it we keep going to these places that bring it all back to when you died?
 
I was worried about you, but also a little worried you would be rather disappointed if I opened one… but… I know we have to go back that way. Pretty sure we’re currently at a dead end.
 
Maybe I can talk Urrak into opening the others.
 
Sometimes I wish everyone had all their stories out. I know most of yours, so at least I know what’s going on and I can try and stop anything from happening before it’s too late.
 
I know...I don’t know if I know everything about Ryleigh’s but I know enough to help. It’s just… Urrak doesn't know the details so Ryleigh just shut down from something she said.
 
It was… I was really close to walking away from her. I know before I guessed someone probably was controlling her but the way she said it this time…
 
It was hard to not fall back into what happened to my ‘family’. I didn’t quite succeed in it. When she told me she tried to fix it… there was this huge relief. But then I got angry again, again at something I can’t put a face to. Someone did this to her and she’s blaming herself. I’m not going to take all the blame away from her, mostly because I don’t know how hard she tried to fight it, or if she did. I don’t know how to ask her that or if I want to know the answer to it.
 
Now I’m just worried about the both of you in here. And Urrak, now that I’ve got time to stop and not worry about you while you’re hopefully sleeping... She had a tough time the last time we had to go and kill a bunch of orcs.
 
I hope we’ll go outside soon… the ceilings are high enough in some of the areas that it hasn’t really bothered me but… I don’t think I’ve really told you I don’t really like enclosed spaces that much either.
 
And I know how worried you were when I got bit by that thing earlier… I’m glad I… I know Ryleigh always wants to go first but if we run into anything like that again…
 
Something that can hurt me that bad in one hit…
 
I’m glad you didn’t cast that spell again, I wouldn’t have wanted you to feel how much that hurt. I’m going to go back to it in the morning… after that flooded area, I think. I need to start making that map anyway.
 
Everyone keeps trying to protect me, I can handle myself. It’s really them that needs to be protected.
 
I was not prepared for your natural accent. Obviously. The slip ups are adorable and I don’t know… is it weird to say it just seems to fit better? I’m glad the teasing helped pull you out of your memories. I wasn’t sure what to do, I don’t know what I would have done had it not worked.
 
I wish it was easier to watch over you while you try to sleep. I never noticed how… inconvenient my horns can be. I just want to curl up around you but instead I’m stuck to just lying on my back or my stomach. But I like them, I don’t want to get rid of them. It took me such a long time to not hate them. To not wish they’d never existed. I wish there was a way to keep them back, like Brimeia’s or even just curve the side of my head you know? I’ve never seen another tiefling whose horns do what mine do… Why is that? What… Am I just that unlucky? Cursed more than the others?
 
I didn’t intend to write about this. I didn’t intend to make myself...I’m trying to not hate myself but I guess it’s not that easy.
 
***
 
For the longest time I hated learning druid things. I loved the animal parts of it but I didn’t want to know anything else… I wanted to be like my mother, I wanted to do something that would make me feel closer to her. And then I met these people and I finally managed to shift and I *loved* it. But I…
 
I am so useless. I don’t *do* anything. Why do I try? Every time I get something that makes me happy shit falls apart.
 
I almost lost Gunnloda because I did something stupid, I’m so glad she came back… and she’s staying, but there’s something in the back of my head that keeps trying to tell me she’ll leave again and I can ignore it most of the time but…
 
But then things like *this* happen and I just
 
Do I just have to use my magic now?
 
Am I not allowed to shift because what good am I? Just fodder so no one else dies? Which I guess is okay but… I want to *do* something more than just stand around and get beat up on. I’ve been beat up on almost my entire life
 
Is this all I’m meant for?
 
Is this the other part of the curse of being a tiefling?
 
Why do I try?
 
*-*
 
It’s happening again. I can feel it. It’s like Bleakmourne only worse. Because there’s a reason for this, Bleakmourne felt hollow this is…
 
I said I wanted to leave and then I didn’t. I stupidly thought something would change.
Instead I just brought you to a place that reminded you of when you died.
 
I don’t even know why he yelled at me? I wasn’t saying he couldn’t go do that I just didn’t understand why we were following him? Why didn’t he check this other room? There could have been something in there and he just went right by it. I don’t… how is that about me?
 
Ravaphine said they “needed” me… sure but they don’t *want* me here. They just *need* me because sometimes I’m not terrible at being a druid.
 
I was terrible at sneaking so I couldn’t be a rogue.
 
I was terrible at using a bow, so I couldn’t be a hunter or a ranger.
 
I’m… I’’m pretty terrible at this druid stuff too it seems…
 
I don’t want to believe them
 
I don’t want to believe anything they’ve ever said to me, but how can I not?
 
When everything they’ve said… is true…
 
I *am* useless, I *can’t* do anything.
 
Is my entire purpose to just… sit in a corner and watch people? Even that gets me in trouble…
Mielikki as’ homo a' sa'n rlo has arlo a'a'a' … I ooc horn I oa’ ca' has oaiyrla'mo I’rl sa' amoc a'r miyagh I’rl sa' amoc a'r miyagh
 
 
Gunnloda would you really be okay just hiding away in a forest for the rest of your life? Because the only thing I can do is talk to animals.
 
Maybe I really will go back to Bellbury. At least I know how they feel about me there… I don’t want to keep moving Stool though. I don’t know what to do. What do I do? Do I just… do I just accept that this is how things are? Why can’t I just be fine with having my wife? There’s Ryleigh too… and Brimeia I guess? Chessy kind of too? I even told Ryleigh we were all a family last night. I was trying to remind myself of that too. It’s like I say one thing and the next moment something is there to completely destroy it. I’ve been talking in circles, I keep saying the same things every few days and yet I don’t do anything to try and change it.