Of Apples

Journal entry burned -

Entry previously read as follows:
 
Softbound Journal #1, pages 10 and 11 of 25
 
Today was long. Longer than usual, and not just because we were underground for most of it. I guess underground is nearly 'the usual' now; or it was, Keth said - nevermind what Keth said. I don't think he really has a choice either. It's fine. It is what it is. Focus back on today. One of the most physically draining days in a while - I'm not sure the last time I've felt this disconnected. I'll be sure to meditate in the morning after a good night's sleep; that always helps.
 
I like the mornings. Mid-day even better. Day was wasted down there in the darkness. And even with vision we still couldn't see each other. Not behind all the corners and turns of the halls. Still couldn't see the witchlights when they blinked out on us. As tough as it was though, no one died. No one left. No one was captured. No one showed up out of nowhere. 6 entered and the same 6, awake and alive, exited. That's refreshing.
 
'The same 6.' - For now or for a while or for good? There's no point in dwelling on it. Dunno what makes me want to hold on so tight. Am I loosening my grip or pushing away? Don't think about it. Out of my control. Control thoughts. Control breathing. Control actions. Breathe. Focus.
 
On the subject....Today Keth had no control over the group. Can't blame him. Didn't know what we were up against, couldn't understand those poems, wasn't able to see anyone. Hardly even know each other. We'll never be a 'strong cohesive team' if the teammates keep changing. If we distrust each other. If we blame and attack each other. Haystacks, I need to do better.
 
We're together now. And for now we're safe. Be grateful.
 
Few did get knocked unconscious though. Few fell in pits. Couple were too busy knocking over tombs and stealing from corpses to really help fight. Not that I'm ever much help in a fight myself. At least I'm there. Or hiding as a spider in a corner. Or trying to run away.......There's a word for this somewhere.
 
I really do need to do better.
 
Think better.
 
What went right?
---------
What went right:
 
There was a lot of kindness today.
 
This morning Sefilwyn accepted the hat I finished last night. And she let me help her with an experiment. And she agreed that we didn't need to visit the centaur. Maybe that was a wish of her own but maybe she's just that kind a person? She was kind to the keeper when we thought him just an old man, and she was comforting when I spoke with her at the inn. Is it just her? Is it Lathander's light radiating from her? I should ask her more about him.
 
The guys could have destroyed BlackJack - I haven't written about BlackJack yet. And his lady, and appleman. Another entry, another time - they could have destroyed him as soon as he began to form. They didn't. They held back and waited and allowed me time to speak. They accepted the presence of an abomination and let us stay while I made things right.
 
They're good people.
 
Amarille asked how she could help me when I began my ritual. Then she fed Jacky apples - an apple - 'fed' - she entertained him. All unexpected only because my expectations were set in the wrong frame of mind. She even stood up to Eethyl for me...
 
I shouldn't have yelled at Eethyl. He was there for the wisps and the tombs and the guardian. He risked his life with the keys. He saw BlackJack as an aide rather than a liability. He cooks, usually. Though he did suggest visiting Xanth...no, still, I shouldn't have. I need to apologize. I don't think he needs anymore soap. Maybe food, that seems like an area of interest to him.
 
Wolfaen was able to use the sword. One of the writings called it Scalesunder, if that's actually the right sword. On the nose if the abilities are true. I like that. Straightforward. Suits him.
 
Wolf's a lot like Keth in some ways. Very little like Keth in most, but when it comes to putting himself in harms way in an effort to defeat an evil and protect his people, very much alike. Wolfie always tried to save Raiya, and at the logger's camp he saved me, and now with that sword who knows what he'll be able to achieve.
 
I'll do my best to keep everyone alive long enough to see.