Weakness and Wounds

by Cualli Yaotl

I am not ok.

I nearly died today, and it would have been my own fucking fault if i had.
I should have fought, of course i should have fought. I've fought before, I've been in danger before and i know I should have at the bare minimum knocked that piece of shit out before she could do the same to me.

I think I'm getting too used to playing the diplomat...I'm good at it i think; At least I thought, but when it really counted, when it could have made a difference...it just didn't matter. I refrained from attacking and instead asked, bargained and threatened her to stand down... and she damn near killed me with the opening I gave her...

I was so scared when my vision went dark, scared of dying but more of...failing...letting everyone down...of all the work sending me here to just be...meaningless. It made me feel powerless. I'm STILL feeling so fucking powerless and I hate it so much. I tried to wash all the blood out of my new clothes right after bathing, but I got so frustrated that I accidentally tore open one of the blade holes in the robes. I kind of lost it a little then and tore the new clothes apart...I'm glad no one came into the bathroom to see that, but the state I went in probably made it clear I should be left alone. Only after that I remembered my only other clothing sets were still in my dorm as i came straight into the bathroom still wearing the bloody (now torn to shreds) ceremony robes. I neither know nor care if anyone saw me trudge my way naked back to my room.

I don't have words to describe the difficulty in actually arguing for this bitch to be allowed to live while she was in no way concealing how gladly it would have killed me if her friend hadn't nearly been finished off by Ruin. I don't know if I can fully relate to the "berserker rage" that i hear some of the older warriors talk about, that frenzy of biting and tearing into a hated foe, like when the demon war first began... I think maybe Ruin could though. For me what I'm feeling right now is as close as I'm likely to get, and now it has a focus. This "stone ghost" an earth elemental maybe? It doesn't matter, it exists, its an enemy, and I hate it for what it took from me. For making me feel this fucking helpless on a day that ought to have been a triumph. The one thing giving me focus right now is that this seems like an enemy someone will get to kill...and I really hope its me. I hope i get to tear that things throat out with my tusks.

Holy fuck...reading that again...I am not ok. Maybe I need to speak to someone.

Continue reading...

The dream
4719 AR

The entrance exam
Oathday, 1st of Gorzan 4721 AR

New Homes New Faces
Oathday, 1st of Gorzan 4721 AR

A Market Journey
Fireday, 2nd of Gozran 4721

Letters from Cualli
Starday 3rd of Gorzan 4721

Nightmares and Nudity
Moonday 5th gorzan 4721 AR

Weakness and Wounds
Wealday, 7th of Gorzan, 4721

Getting fucked up. And better?
Fireday, 9th of Gorzan 4721

Session 10: Fuck. You. Chizire
Moonday 12th gorzan 4721 AR

Session 12. Suspicions
Wealday, 14th of Gorzan, 4721

Session 14. Library battles
Oathday, 15th of Gorzan 4721 AR

Session 15. Babysitting?
Fireday, 16th of Gorzan 4721

The tournament: session 16
Starday 17th of Gorzan 4721

Masking. Session 18

He's dead. Sessions 19-22
Session 22

The Journal Entry’s title

Never a break Session 23

The Journal Entry’s title

Crushes, Bugs, and Crushing Bugs. session 28

Meeting Jaanatimo

Spiders and snakes
24th March 2024

Onward and upwards
28/4/2024

Speeches, subterfuge and sex offers

Powder plots

Community

Criminal element
28/07/24

Weakness and Wounds

Continue reading...

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