Personal Log Stardate 187654.2

It has been about sixteen days since I started dating Anna. I have found the experience to be enlightening on many fronts. I have learned a great deal about myself, her, and humans in general.
 
For humans in general, I am beginning to see the pattern in Anna’s use of sarcasm. It seems she says things that are outlandish when she is at a loss of what to say in a situation. Often times they are in total opposition to what she truly wants, means, or needs. I have found that many other humans also use this form of communication. Cruz has used sarcasm 4 identifiable times with me today alone. Once, I have mastered the identification of sarcasm I intend to move on to the next observable step: propagating the joke. It seems when a human uses sarcasm there are different levels of acceptable responses: getting upset, no response (my current reaction), laughter, and propagation. I think this is a reasonable skill for me to accomplish because the propagation of someone’s joke is to take the joke at face value and say something tangentially outlandish.
 
Perhaps more detailed are the various qualities and tendencies of Anna I have learned.
 
First, Anna likes to watch movies on repeat. Her favorite ones being mysteries including many iterations of Sherlock Holmes. She notably becomes upset if you correctly predict the outcome of the mystery before the conclusion or if you explain the flaws in the outcome after the conclusion. Despite that I have become aware of a new movie night rule that is “shut up and snuggle me.” It happens often when I am not preparing food for her. I have also learned that she is allowed to pause or talk over the movie, but I am not. It appears I, either “disturb the flow” or am missing “important” parts of the films. On that note, she also gets upset when you point out that rewatching mysteries is a pointless endeavor. However, I have learned most things can be rectified with food, a joke, or abiding by the “shut up and snuggle me” rule.
 
Second, Anna bites a lot. At random, she appears to simply bite or mimic biting me. I have not figured out this behavior yet, but it seems unique to Anna. Though, I have learned it usually means she is in a good mood and requires attention and usually physical affection.
 
Third, Anna is tired. She works her full shift, then three hours in medical every day. There is little time for her to relax aboard the Electra and the time she does spend relaxing she either spends with friends, me, or working out, or a mixture of any of those three. I can’t help but feel responsible for her fatigue, though logically I know it was not so simple. I have considered assessing if she blames me for her fatigue as well, but… the time spent on such an endeavor would decrease the time I spend with her.
 
Fourth, Anna is loud both in volume and in personality. This is notable because of the strong difference between what I saw when we first met and what I see now. I suppose she was… nervous when we first met. Or something has changed how she sees herself. Either way, I find the noise of her company to be… comforting.
 
Finally, I’ve learned that Anna acts and is tough out of habit from Star Base 80. But the more I get to know her, the more I see her vulnerabilities she tries so hard to hide, like her fear of the brig. For example, she can’t sleep during ion storms. We had one a few nights ago pass by the ship and she was jumping all night. She also takes every failure on her part very seriously and will do anything to ensure it does not happen again.
 
…
 
Now about myself. I have learned that if you do not grow up eating meat, it is a hard texture to get past, though Anna assures me to most people it is good. Then there is the case of my emotions. I have not purposefully touched them in years. They are… powerful and overwhelming and bountiful. It is a hard thing for a Vulcan to do, to display emotion at a human level of capacity. It is a challenge to only display 18% of my emotion, while feeling the entire emotion, without a logical means of measuring the emotion either, but I must be precise lest I overwhelm or hurt others. The risk is high for a Vulcan to display emotions. Everyday I run the risk of being paralyzed by fear or dangerously angry. But the reward is getting to see Anna happy. It is not logical, yet somehow the reward outweighs the risk. This fact… scares me. I fear that I will become emotionally compromised in many situations. I fear I will lose complete control.