Just Another Stupid Festival?

I wanted to go to the Curious Goblin bookstore, my favorite place to hang out in Sandpoint, and read some books or have some discussions with Egon Musk, but Ilsoari very strongly insisted that I attend the Swallowtail festival.
 
He hinted that it might anger Desna and that I did not want her to make my nightmares real instead of my dreams. I don't know about that. Sure, the gods have power, but I doubt any of them care one way or another about what I do. Against all logic, I decided to go to that stupid festival anyway.
 
There were many people that came from out of town. I don't know why they would bother to travel to Sandpoint for some stupid religious party, but who am I to point out the fallacies of imbeciles? If I start doing that I will have no time for anything else.
 
Egon did not go, so I went to the festival with my friend, Inuyasha. I hate having to go to stupid things alone. He can suffer with me.
 
We decided to start with some pie at a pie-eating contest. It was pretty good. I think I might have won had it not been for that ginormous cat, Kat Betater. Everyone knew that once he made an appearance -- nobody could have missed him! -- that he would win. I would have quit but I wanted some pie.
 
Kat and his friends, a Tengu named Billy Crow, a Dragonborn named Scalebastian, and a Fetchling named Stormshadow, seemed to follow me around for the rest of the day. Maybe they thought the town's two token Tieflings were the best Sandpoint has to offer.
 
We went to a drinking contest, and Stormshadow the Fetchling miraculously won by drinking double the second place position, downing 8. I got a couple down with my practiced "pinky in the air" manner to show my dominance and poise, but I chose to quit before I do any damage to my wonderful brain. It is strange to think that Stormshadow is the bodyguard to the three bards. But maybe he is tougher than he looks. He can surely hold his beer.
 
We went to Alma's bakery sale. She and her daughters have always been good to Inuyasha and I, but for some reason Alma really liked Kat. Maybe his fur is soft.
 
After that we had a fishing contest. I caught a large fish, which I later gave to Kat. It was amusing to watch Inuyasha be pulled into the water by his fish. A visiting Aasimar, Fray, won by getting the largest fish.
 
Inuyasha won the "Pillbug Splash", where foolish people flung vials of paint at each other. I had figured that Fray would hit go after me immediately and the three bards and their friend might gang up on me, so I decided it was prudent to spectate instead. I had a strong urge to cast a protective spell upon Inuyasha to make it harder for him to be hit, but I resisted that urge. Two of the bards stayed out as well and just cheered their friends on. While I did not bother to try to sense it, I strongly suspect they used their bard magic to help their friends. But if they did, it did not help, as Inuyasha kicked their butts anyway.
 
On to the topic of potions, that asshat Nisk the gnome alchemist wanna-be had a game where he tormented everyone with his potions. I bet that the effects that were actually impressive were created by accident. I hate that guy. Still, it was amusing to see Kat get electrocuted, as his fluffy fur stood out on end making his body look almost spherical.
 
The "talent" show was fairly boring, like always. Billy Crow, the Tengu, sang and played a Lute, easily winning the talent show. I decided to enlighten the visitors about some of the particularly terrible townsfolk, such as Nisk, and recited a poem that I have written to amuse myself at their expense. They should feel flattered for getting a glimpse into my great prose and insights.
 
We had lunch, which was "won" by my friend, Ameiko. Her father was strangely missing, apparently too ill to come.
 
After lunch there was a "Battle of the Bands". Not much of a battle, though, as those three bards, who continue to follow me around, the Beastars, easily won. They stomped the "Gnome Step" cheerful bastards that will surely cry their way home, and they also beat some forgettable band before beating a band with an Oread, Sylph, and Ifrit, called Earth, Wind, and Fire.