Friends: New, Old, and Unexpected

I spied on Thistle and Trill. I just... I needed to know if they were talking about me.
 
They were. But what I heard shocked me.
 
I was expecting to hear them bad mouthing me. Calling me lazy, or scared, or frightened, or weak, or useless all the things I think about myself but instead...
 
They were just trying to find a way to cheer me up. They value me. I...
 
Their ideas were soooooo horrendous though. I already suffer from crippling self doubt. I'd suck at charades apart from animal impressions (I bet I could nail most of those), and I don't know what "bearing it all" at a hot spring party in the mountains would do for my self image. I'm skinny and unfit. I bet Thistle's built. Like... six pack and muscles and feline...
 
I shouldn't be thinking of that...
 
But they both wanted to help. And that felt...really reassuring.
 
Maybe I misread their intentions regarding each other and myself. The stress of the last week of my life is really...a lot...and I just don't... want to trust anyone...
 
Maybe I should just...relax a little bit.
 
Maybe I can TRY to just relax a little bit.
 
Yeah... I can try. Maybe.
 
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I didn't trust Gael at first. Of course I didn't! A random stranger in the middle of nowhere with a drawing of us in his weird book? Who's Fern? Why is Fern interested in finding us of all people? I have so many questions, and it seems Ael did as well.
 
But our questioning was cut short by a bandit attack. They had taken Thistle captive, as well as Viertree. Ael immediately jumped into action and honestly, I was ready to go too. I told Trill to help Thistle out. Thistle is powerful, and even though I knew my family was in danger, I knew having Thistle free would help them more than focusing on them. My theory turned out to be correct as Thistle proved useful in helping my family while I focused on the leader. She played a sour note on some pipes and scared Panlo, Gael, and Thistle but I... somehow braved through it. I don't know how but, with my family and friends in trouble, I was focused only on stopping her from hurting anyone.
 
I like being a wolf. A lot. I felt powerful, fast, sharp of mind, focused. I feel like I can work together with everyone better. Sense things better. It was... intense and a little bit frightening.
 
I almost killed her. If Rholis, Kayrin, or Tali had been hurt I don't think I would have been able to hold back...
 
I... dont have a problem with killing. Maybe. Ael killed a bandit in the heat of the moment. I don't think I blame her. She was protecting Rholis and, like I said, I would have done the same if I could. That scares me though. I... haven't killed a person before. Animals, yeah. Ghost shadow things? I mean... I tried? But people? I... would have. I almost did. That's... scary. And new. And something I think I'll have to figure out. Maybe I should talk with Ael. It's... mean to say but she's killed before...
 
Gael seems... simple. I mean, he has a weird relationship with a Fern...thing? She has a library or something? Sounds Fae-ish to me. Maybe Trill knows... I uh...kinda want to be like Gael when I get older. He's calm and collected. Pretty sure in his abilities, aware and respectful of his faults and weaknesses. I like that. I hope I get a chance to get to know him better. Maybe even learn to be like him a bit.
 
After the fight everyone said I did a good job. I uh... I didn't like that. It was awkward and felt forced. Like... I know Trill and Thistle are trying to get me to feel better, but...I dunno I felt like maybe everyone was trying to hard? It felt nice coming from Gael, because there's no way that he could have been involved in that... ego stroking plan of Trill's and Thistle's. But eveyrone else? I dunno. I know I did a good job. I actually FELT like I did. But it was embarrassing to have everyone stand around me and compliment me. I uh... didn't like that.
 
But at the same time... I felt useful for once. Really useful. And that's... confusing. Earlier today Kayrin pointed out that she felt everyone views her and I as children. I think I always felt that way too. Now though? I protected Ael, I defended my family, I took down a target that had scared even Thistle (although I think that fear was magical. Have to look into that...). And after hearing Trill and Thistle talk, even if I had snuck into that conversation, and hearing the way Gael talked about me... Maybe I do command more respect than just a child. Maybe I am more than just another mouth to feed or body to defend. Maybe I'm meant to be here, protecting these people, stopping bandits and making decisions.
 
I feel 10 feet taller and 10 years older. And I think maybe...maybe everyone else sees that too.
 
I really want to get to know Gael. It's dumb to say but I can't help but see parts of myself in him and vice versa. Good parts and bad parts. And... since I am growing up still... I think it would be nice to have some guidance from him.
 
I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad I made these new friends. Even if they are unexpected. Even if we are, as Thistle put it "freaks and weirdos". I always felt like a freak and weirdo. Maybe I just found my pack.