Kayrin's Super Secret Journal DON'T READ

GIRLS NIGHT!
 
Finally I'm recognized as something other than just a little girl that needs to be protected!
 
If anything, I was totally in charge. I was the ONLY ONE who's ever had a girl's night before! We had fun, we talked, we did each others hair, and TRILL KISSED THISTLE?!?!?
 
I mean, I know some girls like girls, thats not why I'm shocked or anything, but like, HOW DO THEY EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER? Virdan's so protective of Trill like... to the point where I only met her when we ran away! He's known her for 3 YEARS and I only just met her last week and now she kissed THISTLE? That's CRAZY.
 
It was nice though. To be around girls and just... pretend everything's ok for a second. To take a breath. To talk and be girls and play.
 
I even thought about Shendra without crying....
 
Fuck... now I'm going to cry. I can't let Rholis see...
 
I had trouble being around the other girls though at the baths. I... I'm still a kid and my... body shows that. Everyone else is so cute and womanly and.... adult. I dove into the water without taking off my make-up cause I didn't want to be seen as a kid anymore, and I couldn't even take my towel off. Uhg... GROW DANG IT!
 
But we talked a lot, and it was nice! Charlotte talked about this girl she liked, and Thistle told us about how she had to leave home at 13. I had to leave home at 13 too, and Thistle's seems like she's doing really well! I mean, she was hiding her ears and tail which I think is dumb cause like... my brother turns into a spider sometimes (Yuck), but other than that and being a little scared she's very brave and strong, and maybe I can be like that too! I'm.. pretty sickly... but (guess what) I DID MAGIC TONIGHT! I MADE LIGHTS!
 
Veirtree is... interesting. She acts like she's my mother but not the way my mom ever did. My mom... she payed a lot of attention to Virdan and my dad payed a lot of attention to Shendra and Rholis (his two little fighters), so I never really had like...that. And I don't know if I liked it? Like. I am 13. If I wanna say FUCK I will say FUCK. and If I want to say SHIT, I will say SHIT. I just... dont like saying those things usually. But like, it was fun to say them with Thistle cause when Thistle says FUCK it sounds funny and different. I don't.. need another mom. I need MY mom.
 
Fuck...now I really am going to cry. I can't let Tali hear.
 
Also, everyone told me to be nice to Rholis. But like... ugh. maybe I'll try. He's gross, and we fight all the time, but he's my brother and I do care about him...
 
And Also, everyone seems to care about Virdan though. I just wish they were better at telling him about that. I almost told Thistle everything Virdan's told me about stuff, but she's hanging out with Trill and I don't want to interrupt that in case they are... kissing again... *which I find kinda exciting for themandmaybeonedayI'llfindsomeonetokiss!*
 
And also also, I got carried away and told everyone about Iyla. That's not cool of me, but I think a lot of Virdan's sadness comes from maybe never seeing her again. Maybe. And I think if they know that then they can help him. Maybe. I don't know.
 
Either way, it was a fun day! I got to know everyone better and I feel more like I matter. Less like I'm just along for the ride and more like... a part of this group. And even if I got sad about things, or felt out of the loop sometimes, or didnt understand anything about the Lacsidan or whatever, I still got to 1) Be invisible, 2)Run a Girls night, 3) Hang out with some really cool girls, 4)Watch a romance unfold, 5)Say FUCK when I wanted, 6) talk a bit about myself, and 7) Learn that even when we get to Xhorhas all the girls want to hang out with me again. And that's the nicest thing to happen to me since... well... ever.
 
I know Virdan is leaving behind Mom and Iyla. I know Tali is leaving behind their career and ambitions. Rholis is losing all his friends, but honestly... I've only gained things since leaving. I feel like I have real friends now, not fake ones. I feel like I'm learning things now, not just hanging around, and even if Vietree is being weird, I feel like I have a mom and sisters now. And... that's really exciting. And I'm genuinely happy. Even if some scary guy is trying to kill us.
 
I hope Virdan feels this way sometime too.