Squirreling Away

We woke up to a surprise. Crownsguard marching on the road. We had only one course of action. LEAVE.
 
I was shaking. Stumbling. Scared. My immediate reaction was to grab Rholis and Kayrin and throw them on Bonnie. I nearly casted Longstrider on Bonnie to get them out to safety, but before I could I noticed half of us were hidden in the trees. I grabbed Bonnie and pulled her towards the treeline and didn't realize I was right in the line of sight of the crownsguard. I froze, even as Bonnie and the kids ran right passed me into the tree line. What could I do to protect them if we were seen? What could I do to distract the crownsguard.? Could I fight them? Is there a spell I could cast? Before I could move, I was invisible. Viertree had saved me.
 
I was greatful. Really, I was. But again I felt that guilt and humiliation like I felt the night before with the bow. I almost got us caught. But in a way it's good to know we all have each other's back. Maybe the mistakes I make can be covered by others, and the mistakes they make can be covered by me.
 
Speaking of....
 
Tali was angry that I snuck up on the crownsguard disguised as a squirrel. They told me they couldn't stand losing someone else. Don't they realize that I snuck up because of the same fear? If those guards were after us, or were going to search the tracks we left behind in our haste we would lose everyone. I learned they didn't think our camp was anything to investigate. I am glad they didn't want to, but I had to make sure. If they were going to follow our tracks I needed to make sure I had the time to prepare and warn the others. Luckily I was safe. But I told Tali we can't be focused on what ifs but on whats happening now. What we're moving forward towards. Our present dangers, not our past ones. They accepted that. I think I filled in a blindspot of theirs. I hope I did.
 
Tali and I decided we should learn everything we could about our crew that we could. I spoke to Panlo and they spoke to Ael. Panlo seems... just like Charlie. Cheery, happy to help, and wholly pure of heart. I think. It was a... bizarre conversation. Full of dragons and wildshapes and... I got a good read on him. Another one in the trust pile.
 
Then Tali threw a wrench into everything. They announced that they believed we should share our stories together around the fire.
 
I can't tell everyone my story. I can't. My family is in incredible danger, and if they know that we might attract the attention of even more forces: Crownsguard and Righteous Brand and others.... If they knew the dangers me and my siblings bring to them as well as the dangers Viertree and Loc bring... I'm afraid they'll leave us. One of them already has. I don't want others to leave. Levin left already and even though I don't know why... I don't blame him. This is a lot and.....
 
I couldn't stand scaring Charlie away. The warmth and care she's shown Rholis and Kayrin, her attitude and outlook on the world, I just.... I don't want to lose that connection. It's my bandage over the wound of possibly having lost Shendra too. I need her to stay.
 
But Ael....poor Ael... I know what it's like to have a secret you can't tell. I know the pain of revealing yourself to people you can't trust. I know the fear you can have of yourself and your story. She NEEDED not to talk about her past. She NEEDED not to let others in. And I can understand that. And while I can't trust Ael fully yet because of her silence on her own story and silence on her own motives, I knew I needed to help her squirrel away from the campfire story circle. And if that meant coming clean about myself, a story Tali or Rholis or Kayrin or Trill could easily share if I refuse...than thats a sacrifice I was willing to make. I don't trust Ael, but I know who she is now. She's like me. Scared of her past, worried about her future, unsure about the way others will respond. But that wasn't all I sacrificed tonight... I may have damaged my relationship with Trill even more than Thistle and her damned bow training ever could.
 
I stole from her. I broke her trust to help Ael. I made her upset. The look she gave me is all I see when I close my eyes. It's all I see when I blink or turn around in the dark. I betrayed her, and when she needed that poison to protect herself she had none... At this point I wouldn't be surprised if Trill decided I wasn't worth it. If she decides I'm too much effort or that I'm too afraid or too selfish. I keep thinking about myself, and too busy thinking about what those like me need and want that I don't think about what we all need. What Trill needed. She needs a friend who respects her and can do everything she can do. Maybe she needs Thistle more than she needs me. Maybe she needs to avoid me so I stop hurting her and betraying her and embarrassing myself in front of her. At least I made her laugh though. I bet she enjoyed the image of me beating Ael with a quarterstaff.
 
I could never beat Ael in a fight though. I'm too weak.
 
I thought this was enough, but then the death hounds arrived. I thought that was bad.
 
But then we fought the ghost. Or... rather... Thistle, Charlie, and Ael fought the ghost. I was... worthless. I had wasted spells on my stupid gambit to get Ael out of the story circle. I had wasted time trying to pick flowers to cure my own disease. I was starting to feel like dead weight, and Charlie really suffered because of it. I almost lost Charlie and I couldn't do anything about it. I need to do better. I need to be better.
 
At least I was able to heal the desease. At least I was able to make enough medicine to heal Thistle and Loc. I made sure they drank first. They both do so much to protect and help our group. If there wasn't enough medicine for me afterwards... I would be willing to make that sacrifice. It may even help the group not have to support my weight...
 
We found a sword and honestly, I hate that I found it. I wish someone else found it so I didnt have to awkwardly give it over to Thistle. I hated touching it. I don't deserve it at all. I didn't deserve to find a prize. I don't deserve a reward.
 
Trill checked on me at night though. Just to see that I was healthy and feeling ok. I'm happy she checked on me. I know I'm losing her, but I'm glad she's not gone just yet. I needed her to check up on me and she did. I just hate thinking that I'll lose that soon.