Dear Trill

by Virdan Zandril

What we talked about last night... it's been weighing on me. The things Thistle said, the things you said...

So I'm taking a step to start working towards really and truly being better. My self-loathing has blinded me to everything I have to be thankful about and that isn't fair to anyone. All I do is apologize, but now it's my time to be thankful and selfish.

Thank you for being my friend the last 2 years. Thank you for pushing me to explore. Thank you for giving me the confidence to do anything. When I feel you sat on my shoulder I feel like I can talk to people, make friends, be myself. Thank you for being with me all these years. Thank you for caring about me, even if I don't understand why. Thank you for being the reason I am here.

But now I want to be selfish.

I miss you, Trill. And I hate that, because I want you to go and hang out and spend time with whoever you want, and I hate that it makes me feel upset to see you and Thistle together when you both care so much for each other. And then I hate feeling that way, because I care about you both and am happy for the both of you, and then I do things to sabotage that for NO REASON and feel even WORSE.

I'm not apologizing. I'm just.... letting you know where I am.

It's so confusing. My two best friends are dating and I don't know how or when is good for me to be your friend and give you space. I've... erred on the side of giving you two space but that's only caused me to get angry and sad because it makes me miss you but also makes me jealous to see you every time I do. It's wrong, and terrible, but I want to work on it. I want to find that balance that makes all three of us happy.

I want you to spend time with Thistle. I want you to spend time with me. I want you to spend time with everyone. I want you to have fun, but I want you to not only just fool around with Thistle too. I want you to talk, and have conversation and have fun outside of kissing and however and whatever else goes on. Thistle is honestly my favorite person here. I want you to know her even better than you know me.

And I think she wants that too.

I want you to know that I made new friends without needing you there. Seb and Vera from next door. I hung out with them and talked with their friends and I could hear your voice in my head but I was just being me. And that was scary but also really validating. And while it's scary to think I have slowly outgrown the need for you to be with me constantly because I miss you, I think I may be starting to.

That is NOT me asking you to leave. I want you to stay with us.

And I want to stay with this team too.

This was hard to write.

I never would have written it if I never met you Trill.

Thank you

-Virdan

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