Dear Thistle

I've written everyone a letter on this team. I told them why I am grateful for them and what I want to do more with them. Whether it's spend time, learn skills, or even learn to be more like them. It was hard. I was honest. But I didn't apologize for anything. I didn't backpedal or lie. I just said what I was thankful for, and what I want. And that was really really difficult.
 
But I wanted to write something different for you. Something different at first, and then go into those things.
 
I am jealous of you. Your strength, your honesty, your bluntness and ability to say what's on your mind. Your care for others. Your indomitable will and strength not only in the face of physical danger but emotional dangers as well. I really, really look up to you.
 
You are my best friend, Thistle. And yeah, that friend list includes Trill.
 
Everyone in this group constantly talks down to me. They talk over me. They don't ask me how I feel or why I want to do what I want. They stop me, they hold me back, they don't talk. They just say no. And that's a great tactic for raising a child who wants to touch the stovetop. Or a dog that is trying to piss on the floor inside the house. But I am a person with a brain. And yeah, its thick, but if I'm just told no, then I start looking for worse ways to do what I want. People often missinterperet what it is I want to do. When Quana caught me sneaking out, I wasn't trying to leave, or run away. I just wanted space for you/Trill and Zintris/demon person. I was overwhelmed and wanted to breathe but didn't want to worry anyone. Plus, I didn't believe anyone would let me just walk out. So I snuck out for a second. But when I got caught, and treated like a child, I went into defense mode. I said things I am not proud of. And things I don't really mean. But regardless, this isnt an excuse and this isn't an apology for last night. This is all to say that YOU don't do that to me. And you are the only one in this group who doesnt. And I didnt realize that until I spent a day with other people who treated me like you do. Seb and Vera together made me realize that, yeah, my opinions matter and my choices, even the ones that seem bad, can be asked about and understood with a caring word and simple question. I was thick. I was dumb, because I forced a narrative onto you that you were treating me like everyone else does. But the second I stepped back and met more people who treated me differently it was like getting slapped in the face and I realized: "Thistle treats me like this". And that felt FUCKING great.
 
So thank you Thistle, for treating me like a kid but not like a child. For caring about why I do things and what my intentions are. For questioning me, but letting me come to my own conclusions. For really, truly caring about helping me grow up instead of telling me to shut up or telling me just to listen. Thank you for valuing me past that.
 
There's so much more to thank you for.
 
Thank you for the bow. Thank you for the lessons. Thank you for sharing things with me about yourself. Thank you for protecting my family and putting yourself in danger alongside me. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for constantly reminding me that I am worth it. Worth being here. Worth having your friendship. Worth being a part of this team. Worth myself.
 
Now for what I want.
 
I want to go out and buy something for myself, but I want you to come with me. I have a few ideas of what I might like. I want to stop hurting you, and I want to take the steps to start feeling better about myself. I want to give you and Trill time to explore what it is you have going on in a meaningful way. I want to spend time with you too though. I want to get better with my bow. I want to see the ocean with you. I want to go adventuring again with you. I want to fight alongside you more. I want to ask you for advice if I ever find someone to...be with. I want to hunt more. I want to understand each other more. I want to stay in this house with you.
 
I want to stay on this team with you. I want to stay on this team BECAUSE of you.
I want to be like a family.
 
I wanted to tell you all this last night but I was tired, I was wet and cold, and I couldn't think past the realization that I'm the cause of all the good that's happened over the last 3 days.
 
Thank you so much for making me realize that.
 
And thank you for being you Thistle. Truly. I wouldn't be here without you.
 
-Virdan